The Candid Tin Man

CSI Nairobi: Blasting back into some sense

2010-06-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

The Tin Man is coming out of self imposed retirement for patriotic duty. I have been unearthed from synthetic obscurity by blasts in the dark of night at a prayer meeting in Nairobi's Uhuru Park. While I will not claim any emoluments, this shall be official duty, coming to the aid of one Mr. Iteere who I am certain is at odds and ends as to how exactly to handle the embarrassing lapse of security at a very public event. He has called on the military to come and do his job. Shame on him! Most of all, I am coming to the aid of all those deficient in common sense and likely to be swayed by the idiocy of Nay sayers desperate for at least some attention from the electorate.

In common style, I shall be blunt. I shall declare that if you consider yourself intelligent enough to see through the melodrama of the Uhuru Park blasts and to see right into the real hue of this swab, then you need not read on. This shall be a guide book to those bordering on the illiterate unaware of how the earth spins on its axis. I shall be stating that as an expert in Common Sense Investigation, CSI, I am an authority and can on that basis determine the dots and crosses in this situation. I have a doctorate in Common Sense Investigation acquired from the University of CSI in Miami. I also attended all episodes of CSI New York. Today, my thesis shall be CSI Nairobi.

I will not attempt to confuse you with a lot of technical jargon. I will keep it simple. The facts of this case are: 1) There was to be a prayer meeting at Uhuru Park convened by various anti change clerics. 2) Way after the end of the meeting, there were two blasts that have to date claimed the lives of six people and left over sixty injured. At this point, I will show my respect to the dead and sympathy to the injured. In succession, I will don my investigative cap. For a suspect to be proven guilty of an murder, and not circumstantially implicated, three things must be clear. There must be the murder weapon. There must have been a motive on the part of the suspect. Finally, there must have been an opportunity for the suspect to carry out the act.

On the Tin Man dock are two suspects. YES and NO. Applying these universal principals of criminal prosecution, we shall determine who needs to fall for the disgrace brought upon as democratic a process as our constitutional review. The murder weapon is not in question. Two grenades. The association to the suspect would have to be any individual with the necessary skill to handle ballistics or in the least have a history of violence.

Yes members have been involved in a lot of violence, but usually on the receiving end with various including Kiraitu having been jailed for the cause of change. No members will also be remembered for certain violent incidents especially during the infamous Kanu Youth, or Jeshi La Mzee days when the two bosom buddies felt protected by Don Toroitich. Any idiot can see the point here.

For the motive, I am lost for choice of what to include and exclude. The No members have been trailing in the opinion polls. All three. Church leaders are desperate to reclaim a leadership of community that is fast slipping from their grasp. Among them are candidates of the Hague, keen to keep the change process just as that. A never ending process. They are desperate to claim popularity so as to avoid justice through high office, not unlike one Bashir from the North. They know that democracy failed them in parliament. Democracy is failing them in the public and their best ally is emotion, where common sense matters not. They are chasing this game and time is of the essence.

On the other hand, the Yes members have been enjoying local support as alleged by the opinion polls. They have been enjoying support from the clergy's electorate, the Christians even on the "evil" matters of Kadhi's courts and abortion. They have even received endorsements from the United States. This competition is theirs to lose. I am still unclear as to shy they would need a "magic trick" to reach the finish line. Even at a time when Al Faisal was an issue and all the hooligan Muslims had invaded our streets, all they could come up with were slings and stones. Would they really have suddenly remembered the choice jihad weapon to be bombs? But usually theirs is suicidal. Did we find any burqa or kanzu at the site?

Finally, let us look at opportunity. Imagine for a moment that you were a Yes fanatic planning a way to create a trick to enable you to win a battle you were already winning. I know it is absurd, but indulge me. That is why it is an imagination. Ask yourself, for the best impact, what time would be the best to detonate a bomb at a rival rally. Is it not when it was fully packed and when the relevant speakers were on the floor? Would it not be in broad daylight so the message is not lost in any darkness? I am ill qualified as a suicide bomber but elementary psychology would provide some useful indications.

Now snap back to reality and see yourself as a No fanatic facing the imminent possibility of a lost referendum vote. Imagine yourself having only religion as your fall back plan. Imagine yourself sure that there shall never be a campaign big enough for the media for the No campaign. First, you would have to lie to your audience and give free prayers of deliverance. That is what you would invite your congregation for. Not a No campaign. A deliverance crusade. It is during the invite that political leaders will show themselves and in a coup d'etat, pretend to 'recieve Jesus as their personal savior.' You would also ensure that you invite no police officers lest they have security checks that would foil your plans.

Since you are already short of votes, you would like to blast off at a time when the collateral damage can be limited to the least amount of votes. You would not explode your grenades during the speeches and in broad daylight because you will be listening to your leaders at that time. Your best opportunity would be right when most people have left. The impact would be the same. You will have tainted the image of your opponents in the YES camp and not have lost too many NO votes. Should your plan succeed, you will have gained the support of all those voters wearing goggles of idiocy. They will remember the martyrs of their faith and they will turn their votes from YES to NO. Perfect!

I close my CSI Nairobi file before making any conclusions. I will find one Waki and hand this file to him. He has a knack for witty action and he can ring Ocampo and Annan on short notice. I want him to include this evidence in his envelope. I am aware that Mr. Iteere is still grappling with Saw 19 starring one Onya-ncha from G4$. He is still busy trying to tour all the areas that Onya-ncha has been to. Trying to re-write his diary as opposed to putting his mind where it is needed most, in the prevention of crime. So I have done him a big favor. I have concluded the investigations and prosecutions. All that is left is for him to determine the culprits from the CSI Nairobi file and put them where their soap should not drop.

The Candid Tin Man.

Arap Some-more-ei: My Congratulations to Mr. Ruto

2010-04-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Ruto,

On behalf of free thinkers in the Kenyan society, I would like to congratulate you on your recent promotion to Minister of Higher Education. I believe that such an ascension was a long time coming and am glad your bosses have finally realised your worth. I know there have been misinterpretations in the media that your transfer to the Ministry of Higher Education was a “demotion”. That is complete ignorance from the fourth estate. I mean, do they not see that economies move from an agricultural era into an information and education era? Is it not obvious even from the names of the ministries which is superior? You moved from a plain Ministry of Agriculture to the Ministry of Higher Education. Even an idiot knows that higher is a superlative form of the word high. But that is beside the point. What matters is that you now have the confidence of the coalition partners who have decided that you can serve this great nation in a greater capacity. I will give you four reasons why I think so.

First, Mr. Ruto, you are a miracle worker. When you took over the Ministry of Agriculture in 2008, our Nation had been experiencing great drought. It is within your tenure that we were able to get rainfall to a point that we are now drowning in floods. You have proved that trees have nothing to do with rain as Mau Forest has not experienced any flooding. It is Turkana, Nyando and Coast which do not have much forest cover that have been carpeted by water. You have proved that the factory built within Mau forest does not have to be demolished. Now this country requires another miracle. Son of Samoei, I hear rumours that Kenyans can longer go to a certain country called Dubai unless they have university degrees. Diplomatically outrageous! Less than 5 percent of Kenyans have degrees. Worse, half of those who do are either unemployed or underemployed. Take this opportunity to save our nation. By Ministerial decree, grant every Kenyan who got more than a D+ in KCSE an honorary degree and beat these Arabs at their own game!

Secondly sir, millions of Kenyans have been hoodwinked to believe that they need a certain document called the constitution. They have been made to believe that that is a good document and they are preparing to approve it in a referendum later this year. They do not know that by so doing, they will deny politicians like you the previlege to own whatever amount of land you choose and acquired by whatever means at the detriment of ordinary mwananchi. What folly! These Kenyans need to be educated! That is why you are here, sir. Start a nationwide Gumbaro University whose first course will be Katiba 101.In fact, encourage Kenyans to enrol and to go to the exam during the referendum where the only way to pass is to vote no. They will then receive honorary degrees to allow them entry into Dubai.

Thirdly, I think everyone seems to hate you and is out to get you. I do not believe you are paranoid because I have evidence. I know you wrote a letter requesting KCPB to sell some free maize to a disabled person. When did that become a sin? Isn’t a company owned by a disabled person also disabled and therefore deserving of special treatment? The media, in cahoots with certain fame seeking politicians wanted to tarnish your good name by claiming you were a thief. How dare they when all you did was write? It doesn’t take a genius to know that writing is no crime. But I hear that you are in the process of establishing a TV station and are already recruiting. Good move. Now you can control the information going out there about you. You can edit the material pre-press. But at the same time, I think Jogoo House will be a warmer political environment. Just some floors away is the office of one Sam, also called Ongeri. He was smeared with mud from the same swamp as you. Now you can bond and comfort each other in these tumultuous times of political betrayal.

Lastly sir, I must bring to your attention the fact that the President and the prime Minister must really like you. They do. In fact, they love you. They are aware that you shall be sitting an exam somewhere in a far away land whose name is Vague. ...no, sorry, Hague. I mix these spellings sometimes. The principals in the Grand Coalition understand that your current education may not be adequate to convince one examiner called Ocampo. They have sponsored you to go for further studies. They have given you not only the highest office in education, but in higher education! With such an exam coming, they know that running 33 agricultural parastatals will lead to failure. They have reduced your work load to 3 higher education parastatals. Brilliant! Just like a study leave. I implore you sir, study a certain subject called Law. In fact, major in Human Rights and International Law. That way, no learned friend - if they are friends at all or even learned – will confuse you with legalese. Study hard because that exam at the vague exam centre - sorry, Hague - is not an easy one. It is a matter of life and death and am not speaking figuratively.

Mr. William, if your name in mother tongue does not mean warrior, then maybe it should. You are one. The fact that you create a document and then change your mind and decide not to support it should not be used against you. A wise man changes his mind. Even without good reason. Your name “arap Samoei” rhymes with “perhaps-some-more-ay?” It is a poetic fulfilment of the greatness already with you and the greatness yet to come. I am glad one man whose name means tractor has finally noticed. Execute your new role with zeal but do not forget our four points of discussion. All the best in 2012.

Yours candidly,

The Tin Man

Bursting the Bible Bubble - Allow me to share some points of truth

2010-04-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

The Candid Tin Man will not shy away from controversy regardless of the implications. If it is truth then let it be said as truth. If it is not true, let it not be said as true. So when I stumbled upon a collection of contradictions in the Bible, I was excited. I was excited because subscribers to the Christian faith, based entirely on the accounts of the Bible will shy away from any assertions or allusions to the fact that the Bible may be erroneous and a human account of a Judaic time in History. Many readers will decide at this moment to not proceed to see exactly where the holes are in the good book. They would rather not. For them I pose this question: If the one person you trusted, a spouse for example, was cheating on you, would you want to konw? If there was information that would at least make it clear whether trust had been broken or not, would you want to consider it and to make the decision yourself?Well then, let me share just such information that puts to question the truthfulness of one of the greatest religions in the world! I am agnostic by choice, but if any person can make explanations to clear these "errors" I will be glad to hear them.

God good to all, or just a few?

PSA 145:9 The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.

13:14 And I will dash them one against another, even the fathers and the sons together, saith the LORD: I will not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them.

Some readers have raised an objection to this alleged contradiction. They point out that PSA 145:20 states that The Lord keeps all who love Him, but that He will destroy the wicked. In other words, some see no contradiction between "The Lord is good to all" and JER 13:14. Others contend, however, that even if the Lord destroys the wicked he could do so with compassion, pity, and mercy. Further, there are biblical examples that indicate that the Lord is not necessarily "good" or merciful--even to those who are not wicked. One such example is Job. As one reader points out, "If Psalm 145:9 was not a contradiction of Psalm 145:20 or Jeremiah 13:14, it would read something like this: "The LORD is good to all, except the wicked: and his tender mercies are over all his works, except when He is punishing the wicked." In any case, the idea that the Lord is good and merciful is contradicted by countless examples in the Bible where God orders the destruction of infants, personally kills David's infant child, etc.]

War or Peace?

EXO 15:3 The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name.

ROM 15:33 Now the God of peace be with you all. Amen.

Who is the father of Joseph?

MAT 1:16 And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.

LUK 3:23 And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli.

Who was at the Empty Tomb? Is it:

MAT 28:1 In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.

MAR 16:1 And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint him.

JOH 20:1 The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre, and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre.

Is Jesus equal to or lesser than?

JOH 10:30 I and my Father are one.

JOH 14:28 Ye have heard how I said unto you, I go away, and come again unto you. If ye loved me, ye would rejoice, because I said, I go unto the Father: for my Father is greater than I.

Which first--beasts or man?

GEN 1:25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

GEN 1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

GEN 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

GEN 2:19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

The number of beasts in the ark

GEN 7:2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.

GEN 7:8 Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth, GEN 7:9 There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.

How many stalls and horsemen?

1KI 4:26 And Solomon had forty thousand stalls of horses for his chariots, and twelve thousand horsemen.

2CH 9:25 And Solomon had four thousand stalls for horses and chariots, and twelve thousand horsemen; whom he bestowed in the chariot cities, and with the king at Jerusalem.

Is it folly to be wise or not?

PRO 4:7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

ECC 1:18 For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.

1CO 1:19: "For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent."

Human vs. ghostly impregnation

ACT 2:30 Therefore being a prophet, and knowing that God had sworn with an oath to him, that of the fruit of his loins, according to the flesh, he would raise up Christ to sit on his throne;

MAT 1:18 Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost.

The sins of the father

ISA 14:21 Prepare slaughter for his children for the iniquity of their fathers; that they do not rise, nor possess the land, nor fill the face of the world with cities.

DEU 24:16 The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: every man shall be put to death for his own sin.

The bat is not a bird

LEV 11:13 And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls; they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,

LEV 11:14-19 And the vulture, and the kite after his kind; (...other verses ommitted...) LEV 11:19 And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.

DEU 14:11 Of all clean birds ye shall eat. But these are they of which ye shall not eat: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray, (...other verses omitted...) And the stork, and the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.

Rabbits do not chew their cud

LEV 11:6 And the hare, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.

"Gerah," the term which appears in the MT means (chewed) cud, and also perhaps grain, or berry (also a 20th of a sheckel, but I think that we can agree that that is irrelevant here). It does *not* mean dung, and there is a perfectly adequate Hebrew word for that, which could have been used. Furthermore, the phrase translated "chew the cud" in the KJV is more exactly "bring up the cud." Rabbits do not bring up anything; they let it go all the way through, then eat it again. The description given in Leviticus is inaccurate, and that's that. Rabbits do eat their own dung; they do not bring anything up and chew on it.

Snails do not melt

PSA 58:8 As a snail which melteth, let every one of them pass away: like the untimely birth of a woman, that they may not see the sun.

Fowl from waters or ground?

GEN 1:20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

GEN 1:21 And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Odd genetic engineering

GEN 30:39 And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

The shape of the earth

ISA 40:22 It is he that sitteth upon the circle of the earth, and the inhabitants thereof are as grasshoppers; that stretcheth out the heavens as a curtain, and spreadeth them out as a tent to dwell in:

MAT 4:8 Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them;

Astronomical bodies are spherical, and you cannot see the entire exterior surface from anyplace. The kingdoms of Egypt, China, Greece, Crete, sections of Asia Minor, India, Maya (in Mexico), Carthage (North Africa), Rome (Italy), Korea, and other settlements from these kingdoms of the world were widely distributed.

Snakes, while built low, do not eat dirt

GEN 3:14 And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

Earth supported?

JOB 26:7 He stretcheth out the north over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing.

JOB 38:4 Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding.

Heaven supported too?

JOB 26:11 The pillars of heaven tremble and are astonished at his reproof.

Order of creation

Here is the order in the first (Genesis 1), the Priestly tradition:

Day 1: Sky, Earth, light

Day 2: Water, both in ocean basins and above the sky(!)

Day 3: Plants

Day 4: Sun, Moon, stars (as calendrical and navigational aids)

Day 5: Sea monsters (whales), fish, birds, land animals, creepy-crawlies (reptiles, insects, etc.)

Day 6: Humans (apparently both sexes at the same time)

Day 7: Nothing (the Gods took the first day off b4 anyone ever did :) )

Note that there are "days," "evenings," and "mornings" before the Sun was created. Here, the Deity is referred to as "Elohim," which is a plural, thus the literal translation, "the Gods." In this tale, the Gods seem satisfied with what they have done, saying after each step that "it was good."

The second one (Genesis 2), the Yahwist tradition, goes:

Earth and heavens (misty)

Adam, the first man (on a desolate Earth)

Plants

Animals

Eve, the first woman (from Adam's rib)

How orderly were things created?

#1: Step-by-step. The only discrepancy is that there is no Sun or Moon or stars on the first three "days."

#2: God fixes things up as he goes. The first man is lonely, and is not satisfied with animals. God finally creates a woman for him. (funny thing that an omniscient god would forget things)

How satisfied with creation was he?

#1: God says "it was good" after each of his labors, and rests on the seventh day, evidently very satisfied.

#2: God has to fix up his creation as he goes, and he would certainly not be very satisfied with the disobedience of that primordial couple. (funny thing that an omniscient god would forget things)

Moses' personality

NUM 12:3: "Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the fact of the earth."

NUM 31:14, 17, 18: "And Moses was wroth...And Moses said unto them, "Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman, ... But all the women children ... keep alive for yourselves."

What did Judas do with the 30pieces of silver?

ACT 1:18: "Now this man (Judas) purchased a field with the reward of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out."

MAT 27:5-7: "And he (Judas) cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself. And the chief priests...bought with them the potter's field."

Jesus' last words

MAT 27:46,50: "And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, eli, lama sabachthani?" that is to say, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" ...Jesus, when he cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost."

LUK 23:46: "And when Jesus had cried with a loud voice, he said, "Father, unto thy hands I commend my spirit:" and having said thus, he gave up the ghost."

JOH 19:30: "When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, "It is finished:" and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost."

Years of famine

II SAMUEL 24:13: So God came to David, and told him, and said unto him, shall SEVEN YEARS OF FAMINE come unto thee in thy land? or will thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue. thee?

I CHRONICLES 21:11: SO God came to David, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Choose thee. Either THREE YEARS OF FAMINE or three months to be destroyed before thy foes, while that the sword of thine enemies overtaketh thee;

Who Moved David to anger?

II SAMUEL 24: And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah.

I CHRONICLES 21: And SATAN stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.

The GENEALOGY OF JESUS? (A Tin man favourite)

In two places in the New Testament the genealogy of Jesus son of Mary is mentioned. MAT 1:6-16 and LUK 3:23-31. Each gives the ancestors of Joseph the CLAIMED husband of Mary and Step father of Jesus. The first one starts from Abraham(verse 2) all the way down to Jesus. The second one from Jesus all the way back to Adam. The only common name to these two lists between David and Jesus is JOSEPH, How can this be true? and also How can Jesus have a genealogy when all Muslims and most Christians believe that Jesus had/has no father.

God Can be seen...

"And I will take away my hand, and thou shalt see my backparts." (EXO 33:23)

"And the Lord spake to Moses face to face, as a man speaketh to his friend." (EXO 33:11)

"For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved." (GEN 32:30)

...or maybe God CANNOT be seen...

"No man hath seen God at any time." (JOH 1:18)

"And he said, Thou canst not see my face; for there shall no man see me and live." (EXO 33:20)

"Whom no man hath seen nor can see." (1TIM 6:16)

Does God Tempt?

"And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham." (GEN 22:1)

"Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God; for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man." (JAS 1:13)

How did Judas die?

"And he cast down the pieces of silver into the temple and departed, and went out and hanged himself." (MAT 27:5)

"And falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all of his bowels gushed out." (ACT 1:18)

Ascend to heaven

"And Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven." (2KI 2:11)

"No man hath ascended up to heaven but he that came down from heaven, ... the Son of Man." (JOH 3:13)

Who prophesied the potter's field?

MAT 27:9-10 (mentions Jeremy but no such verse in Jeremiah) is in Zechariah 11:12-13

Who bears guilt?

GAL 6:2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

GAL 6:5 For every man shall bear his own burden.

Did those with Saul/Paul at his conversion hear a voice?

ACT 9:7 And the men which journeyed with him stood speechless, hearing a voice, but seeing no man.

ACT 22:9 And they that were with me saw indeed the light, and were afraid; but they heard not the voice of him that spake to me.

To Judge or not to Judge

1 Cor 2:15 "The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment:" (NIV)

1 Cor 4:5 "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God."

Whom did they see at the tomb?

MAT 28:2 And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended ....

Vs 5: And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.

JOH 20:12 And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.

When is the second coming? (heheheee... didnt that generation pass 2000 years ago?)

MAT 24:34 Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled.

MAR 13:30 Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done.

LUK 21:32 Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass away, till all be fulfilled.

(See also 1TH 4:15-18)

*********** Hmmmmmm. with the facts in black and white you make your own decisions.

Candidly, The Tin Man

Politically Retarded : Why Kalonzo is a 25 year old adolescent

2010-04-11T04:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend has seen an interesting mutation to the political discussion surrounding the draft constitution. The Rift Valley King Pin, or maybe just Pin, found himself lonely when his other two K’s seemed to desert him and to back the draft. Worse, his darling from the coast determined that for his political survival, voting against the draft would be disastrous! So one man called Najib was at pains to explain to no one in particular why his backing of the draft did not in any way bear on his romance with Ruto. But Ruto is not at a complete loss. Kalonzo remains a schizophrenic coward who at least for half the time will be on his side. At a time when the son of Tseikuru was celebrating a quarter of a century as a member of parliament, he seems to still be an adolescent when it comes to matters politico.

Just within the past week, Mr. Musyoka accompanied his sweet heart Ruto to claim publicly that there must be provided some room to discuss and consider further changes in the draft constitution. He was within two days to assert that he was confident the vote for the draft would be an absolute YES! Before you say that was double speak, he had invited the President to his home to brag to his constituents that while they have been starving for the past 25 years, he has been making friends with significant members of Kenyan society. So he allowed his boss to make a pronouncement that the draft was brilliant and that Kenyans must unite to vote for it. Kalonzo took the podium to lick his boss’ boot by stating his agreement. I think that his where his schizophrenic episode struck. He proceeded to claim that he was confident that parliament would amend what he called “The Mother Act” to enable the Interim Independent Electoral Commission, IIEC, to get their act together for the referendum. He was still biting into his tongue when he claimed that that would then be a brilliant opportunity to allow members of parliament to force their shortsightedness and sectarianism on Wanjiku.

I am convinced that this handsome face of Kenyan politics does not only look young, he is a baby! Politically speaking. That is not even the unfortunate thing. He is retarded – again, politically speaking. I am convinced because history has made it perfectly clear. Already perceived to be a fence sitter on national matters, Kalonzo has taken to courting everyone in the political divide I think hopeful of a repeat performance come 2012. He is wishful of another chance to pass in the middle and find his way into government. He has realized that in his inability to predict a likely winner come the general elections, he is better off sleeping with both and then making a decision when he absolutely must. No sooner. How else would you explain the words of a man with the benefit of a Justice Minister for advice to speak about the constitution with the intelligence of a house help!? Actually, I apologize. That was an insult to the house helps.

Mutula Kilonzo must love the Vice President. He was swift to take the microphone and clarify that the process of making the constitution was not child’s play. It would not be a matter for simplistic individuals making situational iterations to fill in their speech time. He was careful not to allow the people of Tseikuru to discover the immaturity of their leader. Yes, I am still speaking politically. He was careful to take advantage of a rare opportunity where Kalonzo’s attention is not taken either by the son of Samoei or the son of Kenyatta who are brilliant at flirting with him, convincing him that a threesome makes for a perfect marriage. Kilonzo is aware that there must be some pretenders to his position of legal advisor who are misleading the VP. But Kalonzo has 25 years of political experience. What reason does he have to listen to this political novice who would only won due to his influence? Isn’t he better place to listen to the other political novice from central who has politics in his genes? I mean, his father was President! And what about the other deluded man who is convinced that Kenyan’s must love him the same way that Eldoret residents adore him!

Kalonzo Musyoka never passed through the middle of Kibaki and Raila. He got stuck in the middle. All along, he has been squeezed hard from both sides but is unflinching. He hates walking and the middle ground, feet suspended in the air is perfect for him. Sadly, he is hard of learning. He is aware that this arrangement may be fast coming to an end. He has looked for two new politicians to sandwich him and keep him elevated. He is a toddler who is not even interested in how the walking concept works. He will remain crawling for the next twenty five years that Tseikuru residents retain the mirage of a Kalonzo Presidency. They are persuaded that short of a presidency, their member of parliament is at a loss to provide a lasting solution to their food, water and education problems. But one member from Kangundo may not be as dim witted as other politicians from the region. Let it be held as a Tin man prophecy. Mr. Muthama will leap frog Kalonzo and become the real hope where the VP failed. In his first term as Member of Parliament he is clearly more mature than the seasoned wiper-man. Politically speaking of course.

The Tin Man

Aborted Celebration: Why The Tin Man lost a Friend

2010-03-29T23:02:00.000-07:00

The Tin Man had been on a break. A hiatus, it is called - at least if your name is Tiger Woods and your not-black-wife has demanded that you quit your career as the best paid sportsperson in the world! At least he is coming back next month. But the point is, I am back. However, I return with less than exciting news. I lost a friend this past week. No, he did not die, but he may as well have. You see, he made a decision never to speak to me again. In his words, I am as good as dead. Well, I am The Tin Man, and if I have any feelings in me, they must be hidden within my shortest eyelash. But even so, I am not averse to noticing when a situation goes unnecessarily out of hand. I fear that in my venture to speak my mind, I may have come across as derogatory.

It started with a drink up to celebrate my friend’s first major assignment. Jim, he’s called. He had just counseled his first patient and was excited to share with some friends including myself. When he arrived at the restaurant, I immediately called for three bottles for him. He likes them warm. While the waiter was fetching them, he began to explain how he had successfully convinced a young woman not to terminate a pregnancy. We all nodded in approval. He proceeded to expound on how the pregnancy had been a result of a rape ordeal and that the culprit was a close family member. The game changed. I withdrew my approving nods and immediately asked the waiter to take back the other two unopened bottles. Meanwhile, I must have started cursing profusely, lamenting that in no way was advising a woman to keep a baby conceived in a rape a good thing. I declared that Jim and all those in his profession who believed as he did were idiots. That is when his eyes became red.

You see, Jim is a priest. He suffers from the same disorder that I have diagnosed all those other chest thumping men of the cloak. They have been preaching their superior appreciation for life to the rest of us. They have been claiming that abortion, on the basis that it is a sin, must under no circumstances be allowed. And I mean under NO circumstances. They have been claiming that every conception is the plan of God even when as a result of rape. I have a habit not to take anything on the face value so I have asked myself why any God of any Religion would allow, let alone PLAN, that a certain woman shall be raped. But that aside, why would the same God desire that that woman carry the pain of the ordeal for a further nine months and then experience the same excruciation at the time of birth only to live with the likeness of his attacker – the likeness of God – till her death. I regret that I am unable to comprehend such a scenario on account of my realism.

But that aside, Jim could not reconcile the position of the church in society in the light that they taught their congregation to be backward, ignorant and barbaric. You see, Jim teaches his faithful not to use any contraceptives whatsoever. I guess in his wisdom, and that of his peers, God will protect them from HIV/AIDS among the many STIs affecting married people. He further disallows a useful family planning strategy called coitus interruptus. In a nutshell, it is withdrawal before ejaculation to avoid conception. That to Jim is pouring the seed on the ground and is sinful. I am convinced that he is living in utopian lunacy. Africa of all places needs to learn to plan their families if we are ever to get out of the poverty cycle. In The Tin Man’s mind, this amounts to an endorsement of abortion, by elimination, for family planning’s sake. But Jim is only getting angrier when he purports that his church has brought more money to Africa than any other. I laugh it off and inquire why he still takes the offering if money is coming to not from Africa.

But the acrimony becomes even more dilated when I present one further argument in support of an abomination. I declare that abortionists are no less supporters of life. I declare that they support life – that of the woman. I declare that in fact, any woman must be given the choice of whether or not to carry to term a pregnancy, without a need to justify it. When Jim gets on his feet to wave in anger, I dare him to explain why there haven’t been any women of the cloak who have come out to fight abortion. Women who are law makers and preachers have especially been silent. I do not blame them. They have been defending the rights of the woman to health and well being. They are conflicted. As women, they best understand the predicament that they face as the primary responsibility during pregnancy. They are conflicted because from their view point, they can tell how nonsensical it is to claim that they hate life when indeed they are the bosom on which life blossoms. Literally.

As Jim begins to degenerate into insults, I declare that Members of the Kenya Parliament are even greater idiots. This is when he poured my drink on me. He was incensed! You see, his father is a member of that August house which I had mentioned in slight. I was still explaining that they are useless and only interested in taking salaries. I was still going over the rumor that they wanted to be awarded severance pay should there be an early election. I declared that they are pigs and gluttons trying to take their children to foreign schools with moneys stolen from poor children. I was not getting personal; I was only speaking my mind. But you see, Jim was in a foreign school. He took it personally. I did not hear his words over his ranting.

He was storming out of the restaurant amidst the glare of the other diners. I suspect that he is serious about never speaking to me again. My only hope is that maybe he will stumble over some sense and fall into reality. That way, maybe he will see it my way. That way, maybe he will allow me the space not to subscribe to his religion. That way he will allow that poor girl, a victim of an inhuman act, to terminate the living reminder of a nightmare that I am sure she would love to forget. If he does not, so be it. You lose some, you win some.

The Tin Man.

Bad from the Beginning - Where Has all the Love Gone?

2010-03-13T08:29:00.000-08:00

I have just been watching a movie called What Love Is starring Cuba Gooding. The title is a bit misleading making it sound like a chic flick especially since the story is told on Valentine's Day. Also being enacted in one house makes it a bit monotonous and tiring for any action loving animal. It has a great strength in offering useful lessons and just like a porn movie, I had to watch it like an assignment - taking notes. That was a damn good question, What is love? I decided to ask an easier to answer question, Where has all the love gone? I have a friend who is in a marriage that for all intents and purpose is simply not working. But she claims to love her husband. When she finds condoms and earrings in his car while cleaning it for him she cannot bring herself to ask the difficult questions lest she hears the truth straight from his mouth. So she continues to love him not because he deserves it but because she would rather not know. She would rather belong to the devil than not belong at all. I do not get it so I wonder how she finds herself in that situation and when she does why she stays.

The expression that women love bad guys is almost an idiom. If there are nice guys who still believe the meek will inherit the earth, then I am the bearer of bad news. The earth wrote no will. Do you know all those men who buy flowers and ice cream, remember birthdays and anniversaries pick their women from work et cetera? Well they don’t get laid as often as the bad guys. The painful truth is, nice guys are painkillers - pun intended. When a woman has had trouble with a man who had the audacity to forget her birthday or stared at her girlfriend a tad too long or was even selfish enough to take his E before she had her O, she calls the nice guy to ease her pain. She calls him not because she is going to reward him for his understanding and always available shoulder but because he represents that woman that they want all men to turn into. The idealist gay man who is not gay. If you have been taking a woman out on dates where she brings her friends and being nice you pay for everything but five weeks down the line you still haven’t gotten laid, your IT. You’re a nice guy. One day you will finish this race - maybe - but I assure you, you will finish last.

Let me introduce you to one concept in the movie called The 11th Man Theory. It postulates that when a beautiful woman enters a room full of men she gets attention from all of them sometimes whistling but mostly just telling her how beautiful she is. The one man who economizes his attention and only nods and says hi, that’s the man that will get her attention. She's not interested in all the men drooling after her; she's interested in the idiot who pretends not to give a hoot! This is where the trouble starts. At dating. The harsh reality is that, if that man does not care to shower you with attention on day one, he probably won’t start just because you are married - let alone dating. If he was a Bad Man riding a Harley Davidson and in a leather jacket when you fell for him, why do you bitch about it when he doesn't wear ties and take you to picnics in future? He is only keeping his end of the bargain. If you liked him for the rough, free spirited, unavailable man he was then you had better believe that is still what he will be.

The beauty about the 11th Man Theory is that it works for women too. When a man has all the women in his lap, he will always want the one who pretends not to be bothered to even find out what his name is. The 11th Woman. Women are witty, cunning and conniving creatures, to say that with the utmost admiration. It is the age old game called playing hard to get that even hens have mastered. A woman could make herself available at many occasions and just get noticed to give their preyed man the opportunity to chase after them and make them believe it was their idea for the two to go out. By the time many men ask a woman to marry them, they most likely expected it and will only fake surprise they way they sometimes fake an orgasm. Stroking the ego is not a figure of speech - that’s how good they are. The downfall is that this pretense slowly chips away at any good relationship and before you know it, you are stuck with the one person that you find most unsuitable for a husband or a wife.

Women demand love and care but that is not what they look for when they get into a relationship. There are more single women dating married men that there are single men dating married women. Don’t get me wrong, married women are having their fair share of the fun, just usually with similarly married men. It makes sense. Women look for security and comfort. A man who can settle. A man who can commit. They are tired of taking the risk with men who turn out to be overgrown babies. So they go for the tried and tested. Married men. The trouble is that in so doing they ruin the few good ones that exist turning them into what they like to call, lying cheating bastards. They create the monster, then they scream when they behold their own work. Any married man who is still smiling is probably still on his honey moon or has also learnt to be a good pretender. A single woman coming into his life with the promise of his past freedom is irresistible. Not cheating with a convenient, no strings attached woman is an exam men often fail.

So is there any recourse to this unfortunate or fortunate situation of loveless relationships that keep springing around us? Well the solution is simple. Come to terms with the truth. Don’t ask where the love has gone because it wasn’t there to begin with. The reality is relationships end. Always. Whether that is death, divorce or dumping the relationship is not forever. When you give your heart, keep a string attached to it so you can always pull it back when it gets dropped. Men, that woman is not always going to be a figure eight. If you make her pregnant, she WILL add weight. If she gets older she WILL get some wrinkles. Get over it. That is the reality of the commitment to stay with her. She will nag you and she will treat you like her firstborn. That is how she is wired. Women, he WILL NOT always remember your birthday. He wont even remember his. He does not know where the laundry bag is, get his socks. If he is married, he WILL NOT leave his wife for you. The word is not love, its convenience. There is another woman yearning to experience a man who can commit without demanding a wedding.

Everybody should remember what they signed up for at the beginning. If it is excitement, then demand that. If it is love, demand that. If it is sex, by Jupiter demand it. But let us not pretend to ourselves an ending to a romantic movie when we bought tickets to a horror film. That is the perfect set up for a heart break. But more importantly, love is a one way street from your heart out. That's right. The day you learn to say I love you without expecting that it shall be said back is the day you will take control. If it is said back, count your blessings. Mange your expectations and you will not be disappointed. Stop asking where all the love went. It wasn't there to begin with. Maybe I’m a cynic, but am a realistic one.

The Tin Man.

Gay is just another word for Merry!

2010-03-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

For a very long time I have been a self proclaimed homophobe. In fact, the topic is far concluded and does not come up for discussion. Not until recently. Kenyans have been fighting the prospect of gay and lesbian persons being granted the right to openly relate, marry and enjoy such rights as are conferred a heterosexual couple. In fact, Kenyans demonstrated just how much they detest homosexuality when they nearly lynched a gay couple suspected to be planning secret nuptials in the coastal town of Mombasa. It was a retaliation. Only months before that, a couple in the United Kingdom had caused so much embarrassment to the Kenyan community by wedding openly. I joined the bandwagon. I was hateful, even vengeful. But that was before I read an article by one Makau Mutua who is a Professor of Human rights. Mutua introduced me to a new term - Private Morality. Being the Tin Man, I opened my mind to the concept and I have since tried to understand what the furore is concerning gay relations. My research turned up shocking revelations. The African defense, and mine as well, has been that homosexuality is foreign, undesirable and un-African. That was about to be changed. I discovered that it is neither foreign, un-African nor was it undesirable until gun-totting religious preachers set foot in Africa.

Let me take you back to the beginning. 'Gay' is in itself an adulteration of an otherwise modest word whose meaning did not go beyond 'Showing or characterized by cheerfulness and lighthearted excitement. Merry.' It could also be used to mean, 'Given to social pleasures.' That is what the inventor of the word originally intended it to mean. So when did it mutate into the contemporary allusion of 'relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex?' The secret lies within the innate and original meaning of the word. Homosexuals were throughout history happy and free spirits. Merry. Over time, they came to be known as 'gay' and when the attitudes toward them changed, so did the attitude toward the word. Gay today is nearly exclusively used to mean homosexual. In reality, gay is just another word for merry!

So when did we come to hate gay people so badly? When did homosexuality become such a detestable concept especially in Africa where it was born, bred and then spread to all the other corners of the world? Yes! Homosexuality in fact originated from Africa. The first recorded couple was that of Egyptians Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum, 2400 years before Christ is said to have been born. Dont get shocked now, let me finish. After Mutua, I was introduced to one anthropologist called Stephen Murray. He must be one curious person because he dug into the subject way back and reported what would be quickly burnt before Africans discovered the truth. In his exposition, Homosexuality in “Traditional” Sub-Saharan Africa and Contemporary South Africa, Murray reveals how homosexuality existed in indeginous African communities before intrusion by Europeans and Arabs. He espouses that especially where Western influences (notably Christian and Marxist) have been pervasive, there is now a belief that homosexuality is a decadent, bourgeois Western innovation forced upon colonial Africa by white men, or, alternately by Islamic slave traders. In contradiction, he proceeds to show how many communities in Ethiopia, Eritrea, Sudan, Kenya, Congo, Nigeria, Senegal, South Africa - and I need not go on - had homosexual practices. The paper has 47 pages of a summary.

When I read that, I felt naked. I felt exposed. My sole defense against gay people had been shattered. If that defense was that we will only accept what is African, then we are estopped from denying any persons the right to merry expression in the name of homosexuality. After all, our indigenous communities not only condoned, but they encouraged homosexual behavior. In many of the case studies, sexual relations between men and boys was accorded an official 'marriage' status complete with dowry payment. It is explained that the custom, and not the vice, was allowable in adolescent ages as young boys were not allowed sex with girls before marriage. Relations when hunting or shepherding was an allowable relief. In other sources, South African warrior Shaka Zulu has been painted as a homosexual who had page boys at his call who were not allowed to marry until they were 'of age.' That was generally until they were no longer attractive to the chief and he had acquired younger interests. He was not alone. Many African leaders in the pre-colonial times took with them boy-wives who were not expected to engage in combat but would provide other services to the elder fighters.

By now you must be in utter disbelief. I was. You must be demanding evidence. Unfortunately, African art was not elaborate enough in the day and age to provide the record. But take for instance the top picture of Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum. Notice how they are holding hands. They are in a nose-kissing position, the most intimate pose in Egyptian art. Many other cultures outside Africa have art that records the existence of homosexual relations, but the absence of such evidence in Africa is not an assertion of absence. Think about it, traditional communities never had names for airplanes or computers. That is because they never existed. But names referring to homosexuals and homosexual relations were well available. The Ethiopian Konso have two words each for penis, vagina, and sexual intercourse, but no less than four for ‘effeminate man’. Among the Mossi in Burkina Faso, sorones were chosen among beautiful boys aged seven to seventeen. In coastal Kenya, mabasha and mashoga were known to exist. As a matter of fact, pagan religions, as they would be described today encouraged homosexual practices as part and parcel of their rituals.

Enough of history. Here is the present. We have many men and women practicing what is evidently very African. We are hating them and we have denied them the liberty that our traditional culture protected. We are homophobic. We have made what was culturally an acceptable pastime and source of relief illegal and unacceptable. We have our religious biases to blame. We are innocent. The question is, how do we proceed from here? I am reminded of the new phrase introduced to me by Professor Makau. Private morality. In simple terms, this means that an individual's private conduct is not a governmental or societal concern, and should be free from intrusion. In comparison, public morality refers to the conduct that affects other individuals or the larger society, and which should be governed by externally imposed laws. The long and short, whether Africans, nay, Kenyans choose to relate to whichever extent within their gender is none of our business. It is their private choice, morally speaking. But where I will remain unequivocal is as concerns whether or not same sex couples should be allowed marital status and opportunities to adopt and raise children. Regardless of what Dr. Makau will say, this cannot be allowable. Their choice to relate within the gender should be taken to be a forfeit of the right to raise children. If at all homosexuality is to pass for a hobby and in that sense the rest of us are to look the other way, then gay people cannot pretend a special right over us. Tennis players, jockeys, swimmers and all those of us engaged in a variety of hobbies do not demand rights to marry and adopt children. Neither can they.

In conclusion, I will not pretend that my arguments will change the Tin Man readers' attitudes toward gay people. All I know is that I have shared a perspective that was most likely unavailable until today. I remind you that homosexuality was is not a European import. It is an African export. I remind you that being gay or not being gay is a matter of choice. Private Morality. So in as much as we are not judged for liking slim, or robust, or light, or dark women - or men, then we must allow everyone else the choice in as far as how they relate. A day will come when a sister, a brother, a daughter or a son will reveal their fondness for the same sex. Maybe then, we shall realize how dire a situation is. It shall be our duty then to make it clear that homosexuality is not a genetic defect. It is a choice. A hobby. An experiment. It shall be our hope that after adolescence they shall return to heterosexuality. Otherwise, may the noise about gay rights cease. Keep your business to yourself. Remember, gay is just another word for merry!

The Tin Man.

Rational Relations – Why only the Rich and the Beautiful should get laid

2010-02-28T15:48:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine asked me recently whether a man can tell when they meet the woman who could be their wife. My response was swift and categorical. No. I suggested that one needed time to learn the woman and if any man claimed to tell a wife at sight, they only wanted to get laid. But I may not have had the opportunity to consider the question and to refine the response. I have since given it just thought and come up with conclusions that I am afraid will not be palatable to many a dear reader. Humans – no - animals have an innate ability to identify their potential mate. It’s a simple-complex process governed by a good hormone called a pheromone. The critical role of copulation has always been propagation of the species. Given that, the process of selection has always served the Darwinian end of self preservation. Survival for the fittest. Anything else is hoopla! Love and marriage were a big mistake instigated by a group of women keen to detract the course of nature. Before you either damn me for my audacity or laud my nerve, let me share my argument.

Animals were never meant to be married. Never! Observe the cock in your village. He will mount left right and center without any qualms from fellow cockerels or hens. The process is simple, if I beat all the other cocks, then I win the right to lay you. Observe the weaver birds. The male who makes the best nest gets laid. Observe the bees. All males will chase the fertile queen-to-be who is wired to be very fast and the first to reach her earns the right to mate. For lions, the one with the best mane, or loudest roar, wins the right to mate with all the lionesses in the pride. This ensures that only the best genes get an opportunity to be passed to the next generation. That is nature giving us an indication of idealism. Idealism that we have for so long lived away from. As animals. It has been so long since we enjoyed the privilege that we have come to accept the current fallacy of love and marriage. For humans, the best have relinquished their right to fertilize. In the least, that right has been stolen from them.

When a man wants to know whether or not a woman is fit to be his wife, he must today consider her passions, her interests and whether or not they are right for each other. I assure you that all this is fakeness! Ideally, all one needed to do is to pick out the best genetic donor to contribute to a species that will survive the tumultuous times. Simple. For peacocks, the cock with the best display of feathers wins the battle hands down. For commodore dragons, it is a vicious battle and the victorious lizard wins the mantle. Simple. For humans however, the best get victimized for having a natural advantage and a conspiracy arose that defrauded them of such a vital and deserved right. I beg to ask, when did we start thinking about ourselves when looking for a mate? Are we alike? Are we compatible? Are we in love? All useless questions! We have a duty to ensure that we propagate the best offspring. That is the core. Its not about us, it’s about the kids.

Ever wondered why a man is only ugly until he drives a Range Rover? Ever wondered why beautiful women can get away with less than bright minds? I already said it. Pheromones. When a woman sees a rich successful man, she is wired to desire his sperm for the reason that the offspring is likely to be just as successful. A beautiful woman preferably with full hips and rounded breasts is desirable to men because she presents the assurance of fertility. It is the offspring in mind. But today, we have started talking about gold-diggers! That is a term that was invented during a seminar convened by ugly women and attended by broke men. The agenda was affirmative action to ensure that weaklings in the species also got a fair share of sex. Humanity got selfish. The result was that we allowed inferior beings to in-breed and produce even more inferior beings. Previously, one successful male would have been allowed to donate sperm to whichever number of females to improve their profile. It was an opportunity of promotion into the pedigree cadres of humanity. Division of labor meant that other males stuck to menial chores and left propagation of the species to the thoroughbreds.

Think about it, have you ever heard a rich man complain about gold diggers? The reason is simple; they understand the idealism of nature. They have the advantage and the cost is collateral damage. Have you heard beautiful women complaining about the vanity and superficiality of men? No, because they know that nature has assigned them a special role. Only broke men and not so pretty women are whining about how unfair nature is in denying them copulation. They invented big words to cover up the conspiracy. Women on the other hand invented love to justify why men must settle for less than the best. Looking for similar interests and so on has come in as a distraction from the Darwinian role of mating. Monogamy is an advancement of that feminist agenda. Now the best males have lost the opportunity to donate sperm a variety of receptive females. Tiger Woods has now to apologise for serving the interest of nature. Ten well hipped, round breasted women have been cowed by one claiming the protection of marriage. In a recent post, Zumapithecus, I called Jacob Zuma an under-evolved African. He is fortunate not to have bought into the foreign allusions of love and monogamy. The rest of us are sold. We have lost the opportunity to build the best future generation. The fittest will not survive.

So to answer my friend’s question, ideally, a man ought not to care whether or not a woman could be the wife. It should only matter whether or not the two will generate offspring that will survive the coming of days. But this is not an ideal world. We have women to consider - and marriage - and love. Trivial, but without these backdoor conditions fewer males are getting the opportunity to mate. It takes a little more than a look, pheromone action and copulation. I do not expect wide support for such daring propositions. After all, the majority is neither rich nor beautiful. They are members of that caucus fighting for an undeserved right of propagation. But I will get the support of those who have earned their deprived right. I will get the support of Charles Darwin in his grave. But should these fail, will I care? I am the Tin Man. I have no heart. I feed on candor. I am a thoroughbred.

The Tin Man.

Saving Salvation: My Private Letter to God

2010-02-24T03:01:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

I am sure you are very busy dealing with Haiti and protecting Israel from evil Palestinians. But I would like to bring to your attention matters that have recently become an emergency in my country. I live in Kenya which is in East Afri... what am I saying, you made it so you must know where you placed it. We have had a great past with the gospel in this country but the past few weeks have become hell-on earth. Pardon my language. First, I hear that someone started a church and called it Helicopter of Christ. Blasphemy! We all know that Christ ascended to heaven. The good book says so. One of your servants must not have read that and is now linking divine ascension to a man made contraption called a helicopter. But I hear you are performing great miracles in the church so I presume you are not mad about that.

However, I cannot imagine you being OK with the peddling of your body parts in our capital city. You said in the good book that there will be fake prophets. I am having great difficulty telling the fake ones from the real ones. This one has called his church your finger! How now!? Why not your love or your grace or your wisdom? Please God, show your hand to us so that we can tell if this finger is any part of it. I know your finger wrote on the wall as a warning in the old testament. Let it write again to warn these sex-o-phony-ists against such jokes about your body parts. I cannot begin to fathom churches called your knees, toes or other parts that if I write you will strike me dead! Please nip this misbehaviour in the bud. ...on a related note, I know you have eyes because you see, ears because you hear, a mouth because you speak and a finger because you wrote; but do you have a colon or a premolar - for whatever the use?

All that said, my biggest challenge has become defending the faith against non-believers. It has always been hard but you never promised that it would be easy. I have been unable to explain to nay-sayers where for example you got a wife for Cain. I have been unable to explain how polar bears travelled from the North Pole to Noah's ark to escape the great floods. I am unworthy of such wisdom. I know that when I meet Noah in the sky, he shall be in a position to explain. I have been unable to show reason why your servants, whom you have given power to heal have not assailed the hospitals to heal all those afflicted by evil spirits especially one bad one called HIV. I know there must be a good reason why some people get sick. I mean, why would the healthy ones think it was a privilege?

This week my advocacy trouble become even worse. There is a town called Nakuru in my country about two hours' driv... wait, once again, you created it so you know where it is. I am facing a personal challenge because two pastors died in a road accident recently. That is not the problem. The believers at The Seekers of God Church (that is a powerful name) have been praying for the late preachers to rise from the dead. It is said that their work on earth is not done. I know that may be true but this is putting you to the test. You say in your book that to test and see that the Lord is good. I know you are good, but this examination into the depth of your goodness is very unsettling. God, if you raise these two from the dead, you will have to explain why you allowed them to die in the first place. When you raised Lazarus, it was only because your son had delayed wherever he was. This time, I get the feeling it was not a mistake. But, God, if you do not raise them from the dead, how will I defend your goodness and mercy? This is the one opportunity to prove to the heretics, pagans, atheists and agnostics that you are God. Kenyans are all waiting to see whether you will answer the prayers of your faithful, or whether they will have called your name in vain.

Jehovah, I am writing today because we have no time. I am writing because I must interrupt your efforts in Haiti and Israel. This is a point of reckoning for the gospel and the faith. Show thine self and raise these dead servants. Or at least Lord, show that it was within your purpose that they die. The deadline is tomorrow, Thursday, 25th February. They are still praying. Check your spam mail because their calls might not have reached your inbox. Till then, I am carrying a small pocket Bible in the place of my large, leather bound, King James' version. I want to limit the whispers around me until your work is done.

I am waiting for your intervention. We all are.

Yours faith-full-y,

The Tin Man

(P.S. I do not have your email address but I have a feeling you will be reading my blog. If not, I know Gabriel your messenger is on FB and he will tag you)

Esther A-wrong-gal : Why my fantasies are Hell-on earth

2010-02-19T00:35:00.000-08:00

I am today a heart broken man. After a long time harboring decent or otherwise fantasies about a certain news anchor, I have received allegations that have made my heart sink. The Candid Tin Man is in pain. Men all over the world will concur that it is never easy to find brain and brawn in the same butchery. It is always the best brawn, or the best brain... but sadly never both. Seeing a woman on TV who for whatever the reasons seems brilliant despite being beautiful is a novelty. Men are allowed to fantasize about women on TV, even married men, so long as they have little chance of ever meeting them. That is why they do not complain when their women scream at David Beckham or Enrique Inglesias. The fantasies may beneficial in other fora that I will not discuss today.

So I had one such fantasy for a long time in the name of Esther Arunga. Every time she read the news, I needed clarifications. Not because she is not eloquent, she is. But I never really heard what she said when her lips were moving. She fit the bill in my private thoughts - a picture is worth a thousand words and well, am a visual guy. That said, imagine my disappointment today when I learned that she had quit her job at the Kenya Television Network. Only God knows why. Am serious, God really knows why. Not only had she decided that she did not need that employment, but that she had left her fiancé, Wilson Malaba, for another man. Only God knows why. Again am serious, only God knows. It was reported that God had ordained a musician from Nigeria called Quincy to be her future husband.

Ok, I know God has played cupid before getting a rib from a dude and creating a woman. But we all know that he never made that suitor to the requirements that Adam would have demanded. I will not list suggested improvements today. This time, he had made Esther sleep, then He took a rib out of her and made her a Nigerian musician! The man is called Quincy for crying out loud! Quincy Timberlake. It sounded fake - like the son of Quincy Jones and Justin Timberlake. God must really have a sense of humor. But I had more faith in my fantasy girl than to allow rumors on Facebook to ruin my afternoon. I refused to believe that any person, let alone Arunga, would join a certain church named after God's finger - hopefully one of the two on either side. And to say that my fantasy had gone ahead and abandoned her family so that she could sleep in the minister's church was a joke of the highest order. But I was hardly laughing.

So I decided to wait until one way or another I heard from the horse's mouth. It did not take long. The 7PM news were flashed for a larger part with scenes from a press conference called by Joseph Hellon, the minister of the Finger of God Church - again, I hope its one of the other four. He was flagged by his wife and one Esther Arunga of the Tin-Man-Fantasy fame. Ordinarily, I would still be rolling on the floor laughing at the name of the church but funny is barely an adjective when you are watching your dreams shatter. Literally! I was watching my Esther Arunga attempt to explain how there is nothing wrong with sleeping in the pastor's house because it was her choice. Heartbreaking! I was reminded of one Michael, forty years old, explaining how it was no problem sleeping with boys in his bed. I had laughed off that Jackson as a jack-ass and an idiot. I was tempted to do the same at this Arunga but I couldn't. I already told you - it was my Esther and it was not funny!

I watched as Esther bellow at the media, a body of which she had been such a key part. She looked angry. Sexy, but angry. She was throwing threats here and near insults there. She could not understand why the journalists had written such rubbish about her. Who gave them the right to do their job!? She insisted that she could leave anywhere she well pleased and knowing that she meant continuing to cohabitate with Hellon and his wife, I reluctantly gave her a notice of eviction from my subconscious. This saxophonist stranger was not going to do for a three or any other kind of some - those nice images had been irreparably ruined. Hell by Hellon. The hair-burnt pastor was explaining that alcohol was a good thing and that Christians should stop hating such a wonderfully created chemical. I could agree. But he went on to explain that Esther, being a director in some company of his and a long time friend, was justified to have his house keys. After all, if his wife was not complaining, what right did all those idiots with cameras and notepads have to ask?

That is when I realized that I was not the only one whose dreams had been shattered. Mrs. Hellon who had been beside the preacher all this time had been unusually quiet. I know her to be self-spoken and a designer of some stature. An expressionist. So why had she not said a word all this while? She must have been dumbstruck! Mine were fantasies ruined. For her, it was a nightmare in the day unfolding not just before her eyes but also before the whole country. I relaxed. I could not even imagine her predicament. Her husband was trying to justify the presence of a third wheel on their matrimonial bi-cycle. I could see that ever since Esther moved into their house she must have become very uneasy. The bitch had never gone back home like all other believers do after church. I could see that, knowing how sly her husband is, she suspected that could lose the saxophonist to the former news anchor. It must have been a relief when a prophet had brought the message that Arunga was the perfect wife for another musician from a far away land. God playing cupid. A timely miracle. But now someone had complicated matters and Arunga's stay at her matrimonial home would have to be extended until the dust settled. I could see how this poor woman was only smiling because her teeth could not fit behind her shrinking skin. I was disgusted, but she more than I.

I snapped back to scenes of the preaching saxophonist performing at his church. I had watched him perform live at an event to which I carried a blanket and some wine. The picture returned to the press conference where he was breathing fire demanding to be shown a Christian or secular cafeteria. To him, it was nobody's business why he was a secular musician pretending spiritual appointment. Again I agreed. But I burst into unexpected laughter when I heard him say what he said next. Joseph Nimroo Hellon would vie for presidency in the Kenya General elections in 2012 - and Esther Arunga would be his running mate! I dropped to the floor and held my ribs! Maybe he meant Esther will be his mate and they will be running off together. I was now rolling on the floor in amusement. Hellon has his own vote and maybe Esther's, but I could swear that even his wife would not vote for him.

But I was also laughing my heartbreak off. I was clearing my subconscious of all the paraphernalia that Esther had used in my fantasies and repainting the walls for the next occupant. I would have to search the TV personalities once again for another woman who was fortunate enough to sneak a brain when she was handed the beauty. I made a shortlist. Sanaipei Tande, Sheila Mwanyigah and one lady of African origin who hosts the France24 news. I know she says her name at some point but for some reason I have never really heard it... my fault. To include one Juliana from Uganda, I would have to decide who the new tenant to my castle in the air was going to be. If they agreed to live together, even better.

The Candid Tin Man

Who’s Smarter Now? – Why Raila is Laughing at Kibaki

2010-02-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

There is never a dull day in Kenyan politics. Just when I had imagined that the nation would be taking a break to concentrate on love, Raila Odinga in his capacity as Prime Minister granted Kenyans a Valentine’s present. He suspended two ministers mentioned adversely in corruption reports. That was high drama and a great climax. The movie ought to have ended. But President Mwai Kibaki was not done with his script. He granted the two ministers a timely gift by revoking the Prime Minister’s action. A twist in the twist and I am sure the movie is far from over. Kenyan’s were reminded of the intrigue following Raila’s action to evict settlers from Mau forest. It had been alleged that the President had set up the Prime Minister for what would be his political death and burial. Raila still stands. So did the President take a second shot at the target? Was Raila once again set up for the end of his political career?

A story is told of a woman who married rich men only to divorce them and take away a part of their fortune. She one day executed this strategy on a man who proved more devious and he managed to take all her wealth. In retaliation, she formulated a strategy by pretending to have come into a great inheritance making her twice as rich as she was before. Her former lover returned claiming to have fallen in love. She demanded to sign a prenuptial agreement that would protect both of them from any schemes. On their wedding night, the man, overtaken by emotion tore his copy of the prenupt. She tore hers copy as well. She was now entitled to half his wealth, and he, half her poverty. That is a good set up.

I imagine now that if there is anyone who blindly fell into the other’s trap, it is Kibaki. Raila has never been known to have long term strategies but his tactics have always served him in the long run. After the political murk out of which he had to dig himself on the Mau evictions, I would highly doubt that Raila would fall into a similar trap. In fact, Kibaki must either be very optimistic or must take Raila for a fool to expect him to take bait for a second time. The dynamics of the latest political fiasco paint only one picture albeit blurry. Raila set up Kibaki and the President has gladly plunged into a pit of political disapproval.

Raila planned this set up for a while. First, he dared Kibaki in public to fire the Professor Ongeri on allegation of involvement in the misappropriation of funds allotted fro the Free Primary Education Program. Kibaki must have orchestrated the leakage of a report that would place Raila’s office amidst the doubt. The PWC report on the maize scandal implicated two officers who worked quite closely with the Prime Minister. If he was to call for any resignations, he would have to lead by example. But Raila moved fast and asked Dr. Mohammed Isahakia and Mr. Caroli Omondi to resign. With a new pair of clean briefs, the Prime Minister turned up the ante by demanding the resignations of Ongeri and William Ruto.

But this public sparring had long mutated from a war against corruption to a courtship of the public. The stakes became the political mileage of public opinion. Raila had won the first round by becoming the most trusted politician after his unwavering campaign to protect Mau Forest. While Kibaki was still reeling from the effect of a foiled strategy, Raila had decided to be more pro-active. On Valentine’s Day, he took a break from a delicious meal made by Ida to announce that in his capacity as supervisor of government business, he was suspending Ruto and Ongeri from their Agriculture and Education dockets respectively. They must have interrupted their meals to react to the move, denouncing it as ultra vires and inconsequential.

At a time when the Prime Minister may have gone into farther political lobbying, he went on to cheer the AFC Leopards at Nyayo Stadium. That is the demeanor of a confident man, not a man fumbling with the legality or lack thereof of such a high profile political gamble. For him if fact, it must have been akin to setting a mouse trap and waiting to hear it snap! Raila said in his statement that, “Requisite consultation has been conducted.” He was answering the question as to whether Kibaki backed his decision. With the wealth of legal minds in his corner, Raila must have played with the likely outcomes of such a move. If Kibaki backed him, he would have won by taking out Ruto whose spanking has been long overdue at the same time as coming out as sincere in the war against corruption. Should Kibaki ‘betray’ him and denounce the move, Raila would suddenly become the victim - the hero of the nation betrayed by greedy and selfish men who care nothing for the country. Friends of Ruto. Either way, Raila wins in the battle for public opinion. Either way, Kibaki would dim the political light in Ruto’s house.

This is why I will swear that wherever he is, Raila is smiling at the unfolding situation. It must be scrumptious. Kibaki has come out as a traitor and a protector of the political elite who have fleeced Kenyans through their positions. In his move, he has bundled Ruto and Ongeri among that elite fellowship. Raila has come out as the never tiring advocate for justice and integrity. In fact the question of whether or not his move was legal is far from Raila’s mind. His legal advisors must have brought it to his attention that he cannot “fire” any ministers. That would require Kibaki’s concurrence. But in his role, he can “suspend” them for a defined period of time to facilitate investigations into the allegations of corruption. That would not require concurrence from Kibaki.

Raila courted Kibaki into a marriage with a prenuptial agreement. Kibaki has torn the agreement only to realize that Raila had no wealth from which he would have gained in the first place. He has since gone on an "official trip" to Japan. He carried his popocorn and will be watching this movie unfold on 3D Sony Plasma screens.

The Candid Tin Man.

Honorable Dishonor: Why the Prime Minister is eating his Words

2010-02-12T03:24:00.000-08:00

Raila Odinga yesterday stumbled on his words in a lame attempt to justify his reluctance to act on corrupt officers in his office. In what came across as blatant double standard and armature cover up, the Prime Minister was unable to make a commitment as to when he expected Dr. Isahakia and Mr. Omondi, implicated by PWC in the Maize Scandal Report, will go home. The comedy in a media conference reminded me of the adage, a frog protects its mud. At a time when Raila has been enjoying national support and confidence, this will not only be a test of political tact but of integrity and honor. Judging from his actions yesterday, the Right Honorable is behaving dishonorably.

The Prime Minister has in the recent past been vocal against Prof Sam Ongeri and Prof Karega Mutahi over an approximate KSh 100 million said to have been embezzled from the Ministry of Education. Mr. Odinga has dared the President to sack the officials stating that, “Investigations start by suspecting everybody then by way of elimination the culprits are found.” He even added that he would not protect his wife or brother if implicated in any shady deals.

The proof of the pudding is in its tasting. Yesterday, Raila served Kenyans stale pudding and am smirking from the nauseating taste as I write this. I defending his inaction against two of his officers, he stated, “I had initially said public officers step aside when investigations are being carried out. In this case, the investigations are already complete.” That statement was his vote of no confidence on the intelligence of Kenyans. The politician most trusted by Kenyans has taken us for complete idiots. The insult was aggravated when he announced the formation of a ‘technical’ team to advise the government on how to handle the recommendations of the report. Is he serious! If the members of this committee will be volunteers then I agree, but if they will cost us more of our tax money then the idea reeks of bull poopie!

I cannot pretend that this matter is as grey as we are led, no misled, to believe. In fact it is white and black. If you are suspected of corrupt dealing, step aside and once investigations find you not culpable, you shall be reinstated. To be fair, I think the Prime Minister is agreeable on this. The point of contention for him is whether the investigations into the maize scandal are complete or not. He holds that they have been completed and on that point his officers are saved from resignation.

I regret that the Prime Minister has not had the opportunity to read the document presented to his office by PWC. I would like to bring to his attention that the Kenya Anti-Corruption Commission (KACC) has re-opened investigations on the matter as recommended by PWC. That is the technicality that requires Dr. Isahakia and Mr. Omondi to pack their bags and take a vacation until the commission finds them spotless. And in any case, how were the investigations now said to be completed conducted with the officers in office? They should at least be interdicted for going against their boss’ policy of resignation during investigation. That is insubordination.

Let me be clear that I have no ill or favorable motives against Ongeri, Karega, Isahakia or Omondi. They can all go or all stay. I have a problem with the pretence and hypocrisy of the Prime Minister in demanding the resignation of some and not others. I would like to state that Ongeri and Karega are responsible for losing KSh 100 million. Isahakia and Omondi on the other hand are accused of stealing billions together with others not mentioned. Ongeri and Karega lost moneys meant for education. Not a basic need. Isahakia and Omondi played with maize. Food. A basic commodity. The jury of common sense finds them guilty of a greater sin.

Mr. Odinga has a great opportunity to prove that he is not a bag of hot air flying partisan flags. If he was to start his charity at home, he would seal his reputation as a man of his words and not a witch hunter as he is beginning to come across as. He is fortunate that it is not his brother or his wife that he has to take action against. That would have been tricky. But the two officers in question are in my imagination Pones in his political chess game. But maybe they are Rooks, or Bishops, or Knights. Does it matter? All pieces, including the Queen, are worth sacrificing to save the King. Otherwise the game is lost.

It is your turn to act honorably, Right Honorable. You preached water, don’t get caught with the wine glass. Check!

The Tin Man

Zumapithecus - The Unwanted Link in African Evolution

2010-02-05T00:26:00.000-08:00

Africa boasts, or at least attempts at boasting of very few leaders who we believe epitomize us as a nation. Mandela tops that list. Kwame Nkrumah and Julius Nyerere have had longstanding membership in that club. It has never been an easy task to build a life deserving of positive mention amidst the chaos that is African politics and the conflicting interest of nationalism against nepotism and corruption. So I am greatly disappointed at one man who I thought, for whatever the reasons, would manage acceptance to this elitist club. I dare to declare that Jacob Zuma will not be among the men that Africa shall remember with honor.

Having been elected to president of the biggest Economy in Africa, Jacob Zuma has hogged the limelight in local and international media but for all the wrong reasons. When he was said to have married five women of whom one committed suicide and another divorced him, many Africanists and ANC loyalists defended him on the basis that polygamy was nothing new in Africa. It is culture and must be respected as equal to the culture of marrying cousins in Europe. I agreed. It was lost on us all that this man had been charged with the rape of an HIV activist. The court must have had male chauvinists on the bench because they dismissed the charges by the HIV positive activist claiming the encounter was consentual. At least they chastised the ANC leader for ‘recklessness’ when he had uprotected sex with a woman he knew to be HIV positive. He must got off easy fo showering after the act.

Zuma’s personal life has not ceased to be part of national matters. I had restrained myself from making a comment arguing that they were matters of personal morality about which I had no business discussing. It was a moment of weakness and I am clearly over it.

South Africa

has the highest population of people living with HIV/AIDS in the world! There’s my justification. In a nation that has declared the calamity a national disaster, one would expect Zuma, as the head of state, to show more seriousness in the war against a yet incurable disease. Nelson Mandela went public with the fact that his own brother had died of AIDS. That’s realism. That’s responsibility. That’s Zuma’s disqualification from the elite club.

African culture is beautiful and varied, but we must not fool ourselves to wear the hangman’s noose as a necktie. Some of the items on our lists of traditional practices are working against us. Female Genital Mutilation, Wife Inheritance, Early Marriage, Boy Child Superiority. Some of them we may never get to know are still being practiced. If leader around the continent do not emancipate themselves form their ignorance or in Zuma’s case arrogance, then we may well be fighting a losing battle. Zuma owes

South Africa

the decency to behave in a manner befitting a president. It doesn’t matter if ANC leader have declared it a personal matter. Resigning from the Zuma support club and brandishing my Africanist lifetime membership card, I am declaring Jacob Zuma as holder of South African interests and responsible to act unselfishly and owing due care to his constituents and to Africa. Sigh!

But even the jury of ‘private matters’ would find him gulty and sentence him to harsh punishment. After recently officially marrying a fifth wife, Zuma has been reported to have sired yet another child with a woman not in the list of five! Well, that may not be surprising given his track record. But the tale twists on revelation that the woman in question is the daughter of his best friend, Irvin Khosa. In his defence, Zuma say he has paid nhlawulo, a traditional acknowledgement of paternity for Sonono Khosa. If I had a friend who knocked up my daughter I would sue him for betrayal, indecency, attempted murder, stupidity, insanity and any other ‘personal crimes’ that my lawyer friends would advise. I trust that the judge would find him guilty of all said and imagined crimes and sentence him to a life without further friends and to death as a lone destitute!

p.s:

Oh, and I hear Zuma has paid dowry price for Sebentile Dlamini, a Swazi Princess and is also engaged to Gloria Bongekile Ngema, with whom he has a 3-year-old son. I am sure there is a refund of 'Lobola' which is what the consideration is called. There must be a good lawyer who can find a loophole in the engagement contracts and deliver these two women from further misery.

Shame on you Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma! Africa will remember you in dishonor!

The Tin Man.

Al Fools-all - Conception of a Religious War

2010-01-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

Nairobi City was today turned into a war zone with running battles that lasted six hours! Bullets, teargas and mobs are however nothing new in Kenya. What made the 15th of January 2010 unique was the fact that the said chaos was utterly useless and perpetrated by a mob of fools with no justifiable cause for which to fight. I am having trouble keeping a clear stand on Muslims and their rights in this Christian Nation. I am impeded in my support for human rights due to my distaste for one un-domiciled prisoner of the state. I am further suspecting sadistic tendencies on my part because despite my open preference for peace and tranquility I secretly enjoyed the beating that the Kenya Police gave these marauding Friday worshipers. My reasoning is simple.

Kenyans have rioted for democracy, for freedom of expression, for the environment, against corruption and in many other ways helped achieve the little space we have as a nation. We are proud of it. We went over board in 2007 protesting an election and as a result, we are haunted by the deaths of 2000 family and friends. The subject of yesterday’s protest is one of the most trivial and I cannot see myself reconciled to the rights of a terrorist under any disguise. Hundreds, maybe a few thousands of Muslims caused extensive damage trying to coerce the government to release Al Faisal, akin to the shouts of “Release Barabas!” during the trial of Jesus Christ. Religion is a strange sense.

I wrote already on my blog, Arrested Development, on the merits and demerits of fighting for Al Faisal for the Muslim community - this especially coming toward a referendum to contest whether or not Kadhi’s Courts should be retained in the Constitution of Kenya. I will not belabor that. I want to resign as the self proclaimed advocate of the Muslims. It is a difficult job defending this great religion when goons are allowed to go berserk in the name of God and to destroy property holding portraits of a terrorist. It is clear that the IQ of a mob is lower that that of a cheap hair clip. Muslim Members of Parliament are also coming forward to scream an injustice for the persecution of a fellow Muslim. Hair Clips. So I am resigning on the basis of incompetence of my clients to obtain a judgement of innocence even under the most delinquent judge.

Today, as the pagan or atheist that I may be, I support the Christians in Kenya in coming out to restrain the imprudent proponents of Jihad. They joined the anti riot police to keep the riots within the Jamia Mosque. We have finally begun a religious war. The first shots have been very accurate – Muslims have shot themselves in the foot. As I am typing this, news is flowing in that these fools are still disrupting the peace within the city centre. Al Faisal is not Kenyan. Al Faisal is not a National interest. Al Faisal is a convicted terrorist supported by public terrorists. Al Fools-all! If the battle lines have been drawn, I stand with the Christians as far as this discussion is concerned. If it is difficult to take Al Faisal back to Jamaica, we can dump him somewhere in the Congo. If rebels do not shoot him, maybe he will be torn apart by some mountain Gorilla.

View Pictorial on the Riots

The Tin Man.

Arrested Development – Why the Imams Need to Keep their Mouths Shut!

2010-01-04T11:27:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would ever say this but I support the Police Spokesman, Dr. Eric Kiraithe’s position on the detention of an international Muslim cleric. I request that he passes my approval on to his boss the Police Commissioner, Mr. Iteere. I applaud you gentlemen. This time you have made the best of decisions for the sake of State Security to hold one vigilante in the name of Abdulla Al Faisal, a Sheikh known for his Muslim extremist teachings. The sheikh has not yet been taken to court but if there has ever been a time when I supported detention without trial, let today be that time. Keep the man behind bars lest Kenyans lose their lives in an attack akin to the 1997 bomb blast.

I am going farther and would like to take the opposite corner to Sheikh Mohammed Khalifa and one Nominated MP, Mohammed Noor who have come out fighting, claiming that Al Faisal has been arrested for the crime of being a Muslim! For these individuals I have only two words, “Shut Up!” Again, it makes me feel slightly hypocritical being the supporter of free speech that I am. I am a strong proponent of freedom of religion and freedom of expression but if you indulge me, maybe some of my vehemence will rub off on you.

Briefly, Sheikh Abdulla Al Faisal was arrested in Britain, tried and jailed for preaching alarming doctrines likely to sow hatred in society. He was tried, found guilty and jailed. In South Africa, he has been declared an unwelcome visitor. Persona non grata. These two nations have laws very similar to ours and I believe that had he been tried in Kenya, he would have been found similarly in guilt. Detaining him therefore is only a lodging service we are extending the international community. It is a security service to contain a ticking time bomb. I am comforted in my conclusions because this man is on the International Terror Watch list. If we are not to learn from the recent experiences the United States which escaped an airline attack from an Al Qaeda novice from Nigeria, then we would be fools! Furthermore, if our National memory lapses to an extent that we fail to honour the deaths of over two hundred Kenyan’s who lost their lives at Co-operative House in August of 2007, then we deserve any further attacks coming our way.

But let me justify this position legally. Given the wealth of information we seem to have, we were either kind enough or stupid enough, to have allowed this lunatic into Kenya. If he was banned from the United Kingdom and South Africa the only place he should have been heading is back to Jamaica where he is said to be domiciled. But fools as we were, at least we granted him only a tourist visa. It’s in our interest to keep the Mara occupied, you know. The conditions of this visa were that he would visit any of our attractive tourist destinations and spend his Al Qaeda money building our economy. The fine print was that he must not under any circumstance engage in his fiery brand Islamic preaching, sowing seeds of religious hatred and fundamentalism. This man spent not a single dollar and the only touring he did was of preaching at Coast Province mosques. That right there is called a breach of contract. We reserve the right to withdraw the benefit of doubt we had extended this lunatic. We deserve to arrest and detain him for being the beast we had imagined he is not. We reserve the right to hold him and commence proceedings to take him back to the land of Weed and Marley.

I spoke loudly in support of Sharia Law on my blog, A Lesson for Religious Bigots. I have redeemed myself as not being a hater of Islam. Far from it, I have affirmed myself as a supporter of peace and tranquility. A devotee of minority rights. I am going a step further to offer pieces of advice to the Islamic leaders fighting a self defeatist battle. The repercussions may not be evident to them because of their shortsightedness. In their quest to gain the support of a majority of Kenyans, who are Christians, for the Sharia Law’s inclusion in the Constitution they may not be serving the larger Muslim interest by publicly supported a known Muslim fundamentalist. Kenyans are living under the threat of Al Shabaab on our border with Somalia. We are also unnerved by news of Somali pirates and War Lords gaining economic clout in the country’s capital, Nairobi. It is increasingly difficult for Christians to trust your religion which is really not dangerous at all. It is individuals such as Osama Bin Laden and Al Faisal who give the citizens of this country sleepless nights. It is your clear support of an individual on the International Terror Watch List that is giving Christian religious leaders the burden of proof to prosecute your religion.

To all my Muslim readers, I regret that my stern position may seem unflattering to you, but I am unapologetic. I am no Christian. I am a peace loving Kenyan. Arise with the rest of the country to oppose the actions of such detractors as Al Faisal and misinformed leaders like Sheikh Khalifa and Hon. Noor. Fit them with zips that will keep their foul mouths from blabbering. They are soiling your religion’s reputation. You have the unfortunate disadvantage that all the terror attacks on our soil have been perpetrated by Muslims. Do not allow a few misguided individuals to misrepresent you to the rest of the Kenyans. Join me in speaking against Al Faisal. Remembering the loss we have already suffered on account of terrorists let us unite under the banner of peace and security. As a Nation, let us extend our unwavering support for Mr. Kiraithe and his boss Mr. Iteere.

If all else fails, I demand that the National Environmental Management Authority (NEMA) steps in. Instead of going round condemning entertainers on our public road service, they should bring their KSh 100,000 noise detectors to determine the decibels emitted by these lunatic supporters of hate. I put it to you that their statements amount to noise! Arrest them and deport the foreigner with a tourist visa. Then, you will really be employing our tax dollars effectively.

And while we are at it can we find some grounds for the Speaker of the National Assembly, Hon. Marende to throw out Hon. Noor so that we cease and desist from preferring titles of honor to any idiots!

The Tin Man.

Christmas in Hell: Why my glass is half full

2009-12-27T22:55:00.001-08:00

Like many other Christmas days before, this has been a less than satisfactory one for the Tin Man. Granted that I usually hold near romantic expectations, it still surprises me when the unfolding events of life fall short of my dreams. But I am forced to be thankful this Christmas with the realization that many other persons were less fortunate than myself. My letter to Santa Claus demanded a party in heaven. He gave me one on earth. Today, I learnt that a neighbour of mine had his Christmas in hell and he hasn’t yet returned.

Let’s call him Austin to protect his real identity. Austin is suffering from some form of oedema. His body is swollen from below the armpits to the toes. Let me paint the picture more grotesquely. He looks like a hippo with a deer head. But this deformation in isolation does not have half the effect it did when it was described to me. It is the contextual superstition in which it was wrapped that created the special effects and sound track befitting a horror film.

My sister narrated Austin’s story to me, herself manifestly shaken. She told me of how he was the unfortunate victim of witchcraft. She had listened to Austin’s mother lamenting the evil of her mother in-law who she had known to be of the dark world. Now she had the unenviable kismet to be her target. To allow you the fearful respect accorded this mother-in-law, I am compelled to relay the tale murder that follows her character. Her husband and son, Austin’s father, are said to have died by her scepter. The grandfather had passed away under suspicious circumstances a long while back. It had been clear to family and friends that the wife, a known witch, was to blame. If only it could be proven in a court of law.

Later, on being introduced to her prospective daughter-in-law, Austin’s wife, she threw a tantrum in disapproval at which the son dared her to do to him what she did to his late father. She responded warningly that if he was to awake the following morning, he ought to thank his God. And so Austin’s father slept and was never to arise. Killed by the hand of her own mother. Austin was to later bear the punishment of his mother’s involvement with the son of Jezebel. Grandma’s name is also made up to protect her identity, but not necessarily her reputation.

Austin was one of the few students who make it to public university but the week after enrollment, he developed an inexplicable condition. His feet started swelling and after many medical opinions that his was not a medical condition, Austin is now bedridden and spoon fed, paralyzed by his body’s disproportionate growth. Doctors at Kenyatta referred her to medicine men who prescribe pills that can transcend the spiritual realms. Being Christians, Austin and his mother resorted to prayer from a renowned preacher. He seemed to have been insufficiently graced and when his laying of hands did not invoke palpitations with the casting of demons, they moved to another man of God. I suspect he has a more direct line to heaven or prays to a more powerful God. Many visits later, Austin is still growing.

So my sister was describing to me, heaving with emotion, how a priest had referred them to Kijabe Hospital where the doctors mix their medicine with prayer. The cocktail has not worked. Alvin has been writhing in pain and calling for his mother to roll him over his mattress as the rest of the country celebrated the birth of Christ. While I was lamenting the inadequacy of my own festivities, a few doors down my street, Alvin was now contemplating fighting fire with fire. He is considering contracting another agent of darkness to fight the principality battle on his behalf. He has sat the devil down to negotiate his quandary.

I am not a superstitious person. In fact I am not even religious a sentiment I shared with my sister quite sternly. I shot the messenger. But my neighbour’s real predicament did not elude me. He is superstitious. He is religious. But he is a disappointed man. He had believed that good would triumph over evil. Like Lot, he would prevail if he did not fall into temptation. Reading the biblical tale was probably easier than living it and so he is now considering taking the bull by the horns. Doctors have failed him by dismissing his case as non-medical. They have abdicated their responsibility to examine his case and employ the benefits of science in remedying his circumstance. He has been failed by his faith, trusting that a strong belief and intercession by a famed servant of God would be adequate to summon a miracle. Now he has been reduced to the evil of his grandmother. He will seek a stronger witch to counter his grandmother’s spell.

As I appreciate my less than desired Christmas, I am left to wonder if Alan’s fate was a God-ordained destiny. Was his script so written even before he was born? Or is his misfortune the fact that he is unable to find a medical practitioner up to the task for which he was granted a license to practice? One thing is clear, not being able to roll yourself over in bed as your peers proceed with their higher education is hardly a choice worth considering. While I do not believe that a solution will result from it, I applaud the decision to try a different method. After all, only a mad man employs the same methods and expects a different result.

Alan, before you proceed to heaven, I wish you a fabulous Christmas next year here on earth. May your endeavors bear fruit. Short of a miracle, may you find a suitable cure.

Happy 2010!

The Tin Man.

A Christmas Misunderstanding - Tiger and Santa

2009-12-22T08:59:00.000-08:00

You know I had to share this guyz! Have a verry merry X-mas!!

Begging for Blood: Why the Mau Tycoons should be roasted before compensated!

2009-12-21T05:38:00.001-08:00

Somebody call back the execution committee! I am crying wolf! Call me back Ababu Namwamba and Bonnie Khalwale, our national prosecutors, and tell them we have an urgent job. We need to try and execute some idiots who have also taken us for fools. These imbeciles have decided that having stolen land in a water tower and sold the trees they found there, they would now want to be paid for their effort! Wolf! When the mathematics becomes a whooping two billion Kenya Shillings to be paid to these thugs, I become more than angry. I am infuriated! I am not in a position now, and never will be, to accept any situation where individuals, who through their high office allocated themselves provinces within the Mau Forest, will now be compensated with my money! I am begging for blood.

Hon. Ababu, please note that the immediate former president, whose foul after-taste our country has not been able to wash off, is now demanding more from the national coffers. We are already paying him over KSh 4 million every month and he now wants KSh 760 million relocation allowance! Hon. Khalwale, please note that the Deputy Prime Minister and Minister for Finance, one son of royalty, Mr. Uhuru Kenyatta is in on the scheme After fundraising a paltry KSh 5 million for the poor who have to-date not received a penny, he is now planning to use tax payers’ money to foot the KSh 2 billion bill.

Let me surprise you, these two fools are not without company. Joshua Kulei, Franklin Bett, Gideon Moi and Sammy Mwaita will share half a billion shillings! Don’t be fooled by those who will deny owning any property there, one Zakayo Cheruiyot has KSh 40 million riding on a successful campaign to have these hooligans compensated. He has vehemently denied owning even a single acre.

Ababu and Khalwale, you are the whistle blowers of this nation but I suspect that the Christmas festivities may have delayed your rapid response. Please resume your titles as discipline masters. Call your colleagues from holiday back to the August House and tell them we must act fast. Millions of Kenyans in Turkana, Pokot and the Coast are dying of hunger and a group of idiots are trying to stifle the country of 2 billion. Tread carefully as the country’s CEO may be an accomplice as well.

We are crying for instant justice. This Uhuru man escaped your hangman’s noose and he is now becoming too confident in the art of making billions disappear. We need you to take him, and his troop of tasteless comedians and place them at the center of Nyayo Stadium. Crucify them upside down then burn them at the stake. They are taking impunity to a whole new level. They want to rubbish the efforts of Kenyans behind Hon. Wangari Maathai and the Prime Minister to conserve the environment. They want to ridicule the relevance of 40 million Kenyans in making such a decision. Our National belief against impunity, against corruption and against environmental degradation has become a religion. These goons do not seem to believe it. They are heretics. Judge them harshly and let them burn.

As you arraign them, please include fellow idiots who have redirected funds meant for primary school education into their personal accounts. Include professors Karega Mutahi and his boss Sam Ongeri who have denied having stolen KSh 100 million for poor children. Let us also savour the smell of their burning flesh and let the smoke rising from the centre of the stadium send a message of stern warning to all the other fools hiding among the masses and planning similar heists. We will not have our central coffers treated as G4S vans! We protest the insult and we want the culprits punished.

We are begging for blood! Hurry and burn them at the stake!

The Tin Man.

Suicide for the Tiger in the Woods

2009-12-11T23:57:00.000-08:00

Behind the success of Tiger Woods were over 10 beautiful women, and today, one woman will be responsible for the black spot in his career. His wife, Elin Nordegren. Yeah, I said it. Woods would rather have lost the wife that quit the sport. But in my usual Tin Man candor, I will provide hard fact to back the position. In his philandery, Woods committed no criminal offense. His action could only be categorized as a moral misdemeanor undeserving of the public crucifixion that the sports legend has faced. The ultimatum he was given was both unfair and anesthetized.

Let me address you Mr. Woods: In choosing your wife over your career, you have made the biggest mistake of your life! You have thrown out the baby with the bathwater. You have allowed panic and paranoia to cloud your judgement. From the beginning, your crime was never cheating, it was getting caught. Those hypocrites raising their voices against you ought to be ashamed. Like Pinocchio, may their noses grow longer for every time they mention your name in disdain. Who hasn’t stolen a few moments of excitement, or at least considered it? Infidelityfacts.com shows that 74% of men and 68% of women admit they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught! Your career involves finding holes in many different patches of grass. We shouldn’t be surprised!

If you have a publicist, fire him because he’s done you a great disservice. You should have been better advised. For example, it was a terrible mistake not to attend the Chevron World Challenge. Such charity events are the evidence of a man who cares for society. They endear you to your fans and sponsors. It would have mitigated the damage to your reputation. Now you have lost Gillette and Buick as sponsors. Gatorade has cancelled a drink with your name. Nike Inc. and Accenture may be on the way so when that happens, you really will have hit rock bottom. That’s a lot of money gone and you have made it worse by ignoring your prenuptial agreement.

I know such an agreement exists because your wife will be receiving $80 million to stick by you. If the prenup didn’t exist she would have claimed half of the $600 million that Forbes approximated you were worth in 2009. Fire your lawyer as well because you should have paid her only $10 million for the five years of marriage had you decided to kick her out. She was to get $20 if the marriage lasted 10years. Of course you would have continued to provide for the children. I can understand her fear for holes in strange places but the decision to quit you career makes you as much an idiot as she is.

Listen, Tiger, golf made you what you are! Golf is probably the reason she married you. Golf is definitely the reason advertisers ogle at you. Nike Inc. built its golf line on the back of your success. The $800 million they make from you makes them least likely to dump you. It is your balls and your accuracy with many holes (on and off the course) that has made you the second richest African American in history, second only to Oprah. So paying off Elin Nordegren for her silence, at a time when you are shedding endorsements deals like a molting reptile, is career suicide. You should have dumped the wife. She has set a bad example for your daughter who is showing signs of a promising golf career herself.

A sex scandal was hardly the end of your career. Let me illustrate: R. Kelly had a preference for tender meat that got him in trouble with child services. He still went on to build a great career. George Michael was caught in a bathroom with a man! Guess what, after he admitted being gay, he went on to build a legacy in pop. While married to Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt started canoodling with Angelina Jolie while shooting Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Interesting that they are today one of the best known couple in show business! Maybe you should have married one of the porn stars in your ten long witness list. Michael Jackson is the classical best. After two accusations of child molestation, the man still sells records even in his death! Michael remains a legend despite admitting on international TV that he saw nothing wrong with a 40year old man sharing a bed with young boys. O.J. Simpson had a tough time fighting back into his career despite winning the landmark murder trial. But let’s face it, murder has got to leave some tough stains.

What you need to do is to get back in the game and win. That is how Kobe Bryant did it. You did not become famous because of your image as the perfect husband. It was your achievements on the greens. If all the companies pull out of their endorsements because of their shortsightedness, don’t panic. Remind them why you are the best. Channel your anger and frustration into winning the PGA tours in 2010. Don’t be fooled by the feminists shouting from the rooftops. Most of them are unmarried and would never nail a winner like you. It is their jealousy that is leading them to misadvise your less than intelligent wife. Mr. Woods, your heritage is more diverse than Obama's! You represent the Dutch, Chinese, Africans and Red Indians. All of them will be rooting for you as their hero and icon of success. The corporate fools will return. After all, they are within the 36% who admit having affairs with co-workers.

If Hillary and America forgave Clinton for 'dictating' to Lewinsky, who does Elin think she is to hold out? Even Jesus forgave Mary Magdalene for fornication and became a close friend of hers. We all have sinned or at least desired to and should not be casting stones. You broke no law and you have the prenup to protect your hard earned money. You should have let the marriage burn. After all, 53% of marriages in the US are doomed for divorce and only 31% of marriages survive after the discovery of infidelity. Your marriage is the lost cause. Elin is more likely to cheat on you later - fury of a woman scorned. But your career is definitely not over yet. Worst case scenario, you could write a book titled, Out of the Woods which I promise will be a best seller.

This remains the underlying position, you would rather have lost one hole that costs you money than to have lost the 18 holes that made you who you are. Simple arithmetic. Golf needs you. Sports needs you. Make haste and quit your hiatus.

The Tin Man.

Free Sex for Climate Change: The Copenhagen Report

2009-12-09T22:25:00.000-08:00

Delegates at the Climate Change conference in Copenhagen will be treated to free sex over the duration of the talks. Sex workers in the city have offered sex absolutely free to any delegate who produces their conference badge and a postcard circulated by the Copenhagen Mayor, Ritt Bjerregaard. The mayor had sent the eco-friendly post cards to the City hotels with the message, “Be Sustainable: Don’t buy sex.” While the intention had been either to discourage the trade or to pretend that it is not as vibrant as it is, the result has been the exact opposite.

The “working girls” have retaliated by offering their services free of charge to patrons who do not even have to show a passport. Only their badge and warning card. For an industry that is legal and government regulated, one would have expected the Mayor to look kindly upon the ladies who would be generating revenues for the city of Copenhagen. But maybe that was the original intention, to create a controversy that would give the “working girls” some publicity amidst the clutter of environmentalists, demonstrators and government agents. Free samples. The oldest marketing trick for the oldest profession.

But the Climate Sex trick is hardly the only controversy in Copenhagen. Over 1000 emails were leaked with scientific evidence supporting critics’ belief that global warming estimates have been exaggerated. The emails allegedly form the Climate Research Unit (CRU) at the University of East Anglia, England have now come to be known as Climategate borrowing from the American Watergate scandal. The messages claim that the information collected by CRU, used by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was tampered with in the production of the IPCC Fourth Assessment Report, 2007.

The Copenhagen tale twists even farther with the leakage of the Danish Text. This is the name that has been given to a leaked proposal by the Danish contingent and said to represent the positions of a handful of developed countries including Denmark, the UK and the US. Developed countries have joined the chorus of protesters protest in objection to their non inclusion in the agreement and claiming that it demands more of them than did the Kyoto Protocol. The developed countries have promised to present a counter proposal that may not be much different but will massage their egos in the guise of participation.

It is clear therefore that Copenhagen is the venue for yet another story of love, hate and conflict. To complete this novella is free sex for the delegates. They have my attention. As the delegates drain their minds to protect the earth for future generations, may they also multiply and fill the earth with exactly that future generation. To the “working girls” in the red light districts of Copenhagen, “Bravo!” You are playing your part in the larger scheme of things.

The Tin Man.

Laying to Rest the Day of Rest

2009-12-09T00:37:00.000-08:00

The German Constitutional Court has forced Berlin to observe Sunday as a day of rest from work and spiritual improvement. While this may receive approving nods from a majority of Christians, some are beginning to call to attention the fulfillment of some Revelation prophesy about the conversion of the ‘day of the Lord.’ This is quite oxymoronic granted that the same constitution declares that Germany shall have no state religion. The move is now being viewed in some quarters as a demonstration that the ‘end of days’ is here with us.

But before re-ignite the controversy theories purporting the Pope to be the anti-Christ, I prefer to recall where the Sabbath law originated. Christianity and Judaism teach that God rested after creation work on the seventh day and thus sanctified the day henceforth. (Genesis 2:2-3; Exodus 20:11). It was not until after the death of Jesus that early Christians and later Catholics, begun observing Sunday, ‘the Lords Day’ as the sanctified day of the week (Acts 15:21). That was the day that Jesus is said to have resurrected. Protestants, Anglicans and Orthodox Christians followed suit but Seventh Day Adventists have retained the practice of observing the Seventh day as was originally directed.

Further, Sunday is said to have been a day of witchcraft and idol worship since Babylonian times and when Christianity was taken to ‘gentiles’ deeply rooted in their ‘paganism’, the Catholic Church made a concession to switch solemnity from the Seventh Day to the First Day of the week. That has set up the Pope to fit the descriptions of the anti-Christ in John’s visions as recorded in the Book of Revelation. The Church further created other ‘holy’ days to compete pagan feasts and make the new religion tangible for the fresh converts. Easter and Christmas were both created long after Jesus had died in celebration of the founder of Christianity.

There existed many other arguments as to whether gentiles converted to Christianity in the early Church were bound by the Ten Commandments. Circumcision for example was a Jewish practice that Paul held did not have to be followed by those under the ‘new’ covenant (Acts 15:24-25). Paul, as an intellectual, could see the difficulty in observing the over 600 specific Judaic commandments which included not eating blood or flesh from a strangled animal. Thus, was Cafeteria Christianity born.

Cafeteria Christianity allowed the religion’s followers to choose, like on a cafeteria menu, the laws to observe and the ones not to. Paul set a precedent that has today allowed women to have a more dignified position than the chauvinistic apostle would have allowed during his lifetime. Theologians have justified the conversion of the Sabbath from Saturday to Sunday as not being significant to deny one entry to heaven. In fact, Jesus is said to have healed on the Sabbath and taught in the Synagogues. Matthew records Him to have asserted in chapter 5 that He came to fulfill the law and not to destroy it.

Many intellectuals have been able to link the Papacy to the prophesied global leader, the beast. But so have many other leaders before and after. Hitler was thought to be the anti-Christ. Imagine the disappointment when he did not rule the world and Jesus did not return. Today, Obama is said by some to be the leader to bring the world together as one against God. I suspect he will die and leave the doomsday prophets a disappointed lot.

Before you pack your bag in readiness for rapture on account of the actions of a German Constitutional court, consider the leeway that Paul provided. Remember that following in the footsteps of Jesus, he did not interpret the scripture in literal terms. Remember that others before you have waited and been disappointed. If Jesus really is coming again, He probably knows the date He will do so. I doubt that German legislation would be the precipitating factor. Practise selective obedience to the scripture and enjoy become Cafeteria Christians. Paul already taught you. Then you will be able to be a Gentile and a Jew at the same time. You will mix the world with the law and you will have no need to panic over an imminent return of Christ.

The Tin Man.

Deya Vs. Darwin: Demystifying Miracles

2009-11-29T02:28:00.000-08:00

I have got to blame insomnia for my this latest outburst. I have not been having the best of nights and my late research has availed me time to reconsider otherwise not uncommon events. One Rose Atieno, pardon, Rev. Rose Atieno, disclosed after a stint in prison that Gilbert Deya’s miracle babies were after all not miracles at all. Really? That bubble burst years back! In fact, we have been waiting for the United Kingdom to get over its beaurocracy and hand this religious criminal back to the country for incarceration. It’s about time one con man, in the name of Jesus, was shown what Kamiti looks like. But my sleeplessness does not allow me only a glimpse into this situation, it has granted me complimentary tickets to the movie and I have been watching it in shock.

It is a Sunday morning and every station on TV is showing a program of one or another preacher. In one, demons are being cast from patients writhing in pain and rolling on the floor. In another, the prophet is telling the patients exactly what their problems are and granting their prayer requests like Santa Claus. In yet another, the preacher has become a Nobel worthy doctor granting ‘HIV Negative’ certificates to AIDS patients and demanding that they run up and down the isles to demonstrate their healing. Good drama!

After one show ends and another begins, I begin getting second and third opinions from other men of God. These ones do not have drama packed performances and only speak the word with motivating conviction. I am surprised that one even ridicules the colleagues who employ physical tactics to invoke divine intervention. For him miracles are practical events that even silent prayers and obedience to God would suffice to summon. This does not help my insomnia. In fact, I forget any morning nap ideas and decide that maybe I need to settle it once and for all.

What are miracles? Giving birth to a baby? Surviving an accident? Getting a job? Healing from sickness – or is it being cured? Living to 120 years? Waking up every morning?

According to Wikipedia, a miracle is a perceptible interruption of the laws of nature such as can be attempted to be explained by divine intervention and is sometimes associated with a miracle worker. That sounds very scientific. Since science and miracles have not been best of friends I refer to a less biased definition. A miracle may casually refer to a statistically unlikely but beneficial event or even one regarded as wonderful despite its likelihood. Even less sleep.

The Bible, Torah and Qur’an are replete with examples of miracles performed by various personalities most of which are shared in these monotheistic religions. Moses dazzled the Pharaoh into releasing the Israelites with snakes and sticks. Noah, with only his family for manpower made a ship that saved all of the animals but obliterated the rest of humanity in the great flood. We must therefore all be descendants of Noah. Elijah created a jar of oil that never ran out. No wonder there’s so much oil in the Middle East. Even Muhammad is said to have split the moon and Buddha to have walked on water! But there has never been any evidence of these events especially because they seem not to be as prevalent today as they were then.

And of course Darwin! The bastard! After scientists claimed that the world that God made flat was after all round, how dare he portend that Adam and Eve never existed. How on earth does he imagine he came to be! Evolution? What blasphemy! God created man. End of story. No one ought to question that. He created all animals male and female. Then created man only male – then added as an after thought female in a surprisingly similar design as the females in all the other mammals. Our existence is a miracle and no one should pretend that genes define us as opposed to being designed by a higher deity.

But even within religion, why is there a controversy as to what is miraculous and what is not? Is it only becoming an egocentric battle of my “God is bigger than yours!” or “I am more gifted than you!” How are the millions of believers expected to act in the wake of new brands of miracle workers every day? Is there no way that we can reconcile really convincing scientific methods to our divine events? I discover that the Catholic Church is way ahead of me and am impressed by the steps that Vatican has made in this direction.

The Catholic Church has validated a number of miracles in the recent, nay, far past. The Sacred Host in 700AD, The Miracle of Calanda in 1640 and the Miracle of the Sun in 1917 are a few examples. Miracles do not have it easy in this Church. They are vetted to determine if the miracle went against the laws of nature e.g. raising a dead person to life or outside nature meaning no natural force may have caused the same effect. It ought to have taken place instantaneously without the means or processes which nature employs. So maybe waking up in the morning is not such a miracle.

The Vatican was forced to employ such strict criteria so as to manage the embarrassment of endorsing a miracle only to be explained later by over zealous scientists. The pagans! Protestants initially denied the existence of miracles after the Apostles. They are today the most ardent followers of the miracle revolution. But they are also preaching left right and centre about the imminent coming of false prophets who will not be easy to tell apart from the genuine servants of God. So I am hesitant in accepting some of the miracle workers in TV ministry for those two reasons. That they themselves have warned me that fake ones may exist that are too close to the originals and that I am unable to ignore the more than elementary science I have studied to explain otherwise simple events through religion.

Thomas Paine opined, “All the tales of miracles, with which the Old and New Testament are filled, are fit only for impostors to preach and fools to believe.”

Ethan Allen also said, "In those parts of the world where learning and science have prevailed, miracles have ceased; but in those parts of it as are barbarous and ignorant, miracles are still in vogue."

These American revolutionists and philosophers may have been atheists. They could even be accused to be sinners and pagans bound for hell. But they held a compelling position. I am concerned for the profession of miracle working. It is possible that just like Bishop Deya, many people will come about claiming to be men of God and collect tithes and offerings only to be declared fraudsters. In the United States, Marjoe Gortner in 1971 made the documentary, Marjoe, that revealed how his early life healing ministry had been a hoax orchestrated by his father and mother in their church. So the Kenyan born UK preacher is not unique. There are other crooks. The only way we can tell the real miracles apart from the fake ones is through a scientific investigation in the catholic model. Before we pay for anointing oil and gifted handkerchiefs we may want to verify that we are getting value for money.

In fact, I suggest that the miracle workers in the country form a Miracle Workers Association that can standardize the service. It can license the real practitioners and check that they do not proceed to perform miracles, or purport to, if the spirit at any point leaves them. That way we may have some order. We may even organize a day that they can storm Ward 10 at Kenyatta Hospital and heal all the HIV patients right where they need it. We can test them later to prove they are healed. Science and Religion working together. Deya and Darwin united.

Maybe then I will get some sleep.

The Tin Man.

End of the Romance: Why Mavuno is Only About the Harvest

2009-11-13T22:55:00.000-08:00

If you recently joined Mavuno Church or were planning to, don’t cancel the membership in your current church. The grass may not be as green as it may have been purported. Being a current member of the church, you may want to listen to my reasons for raising this alarm.

Some good friends of mine have been planning to get married for a while now. They had joined Mavuno late last year, just as myself, and the lady even went through the Mizizi course. This is a 10 week 'life changing' bible course that sets you back six thousand shillings - and helps reset your faith clock. It is through this cost insensitive course that we were acquainted.

Mavuno has been marketed as the Church where one is accepted with all their blemishes and evil with the expectation that they will meet God and be transformed. After all, the doctor comes for those who are ill. This has been a source of controversy for the church whose mission is to “Turn Ordinary People into Fearless influencers of Society.” I am one of the few who quickly understood this strategy in all its nobility and novelty. I have therefore been an ardent supporter of the Church. From cafeterias to parties, I have been a self appointed ambassador of Mavuno, defending the Church from false accusations from people who knew little about it and were only displaying such ignorance.

Mavuno has been the church where those who have not been going to church feel welcome. The music in church, in addition to being spiritual, is not so different from what you get at the clubs so a Sunday morning service would in fact help to relieve the hangover. The sermons are not too spiritual or so full of judgement-threats as to make the experience uncomfortable for some of us still stinking of sin. No wonder the membership has grown nearly as fast as Equity Bank and is still growing. A no discrimination policy.

But someone is sleeping on the job or if they had blinked, it was a moment too long. Some pastors have sneaked in that holier-than-thou attitude into the house of God. Someone has returned to the point of judgement and they shall hence surely be judged! After months of being faithful attendees of service, paying tithe and offerings, my good friends were denied the opportunity to be wed by a Mavuno pastor! Just when you thought church would now return the favor!

Forgive me for imagining that after all the contributions, church should be there for us during our important days like christening of children, weddings and funerals. Anniversaries, birthdays and graduations would be asking too much, even though you could get those in some churches. Just those three, for all the fundraisings, community projects and fellowships we have participated in. My friends were denied this privilege because the groom is not born again. What hypocrisy!

Forgive me further for remembering that no one has ever asked for the salvation badge when passing round the offering basket or when clearing the tithe cheques. Neither is my memory lost on the initial invitation I received to join Mavuno – that these brethren, unlike all the others, would not deny us the benefit of church based on our unbelief. That is the reason why Mavuno exists; to Church the unchurched! But I must blame myself for not reading the fine print. As they say, the devil is in the details.

I was further to learn that it would have cost the couple KSh 30,000 anyway for the pre-marital counseling and pastoral time – venue not included! I don’t want to mention a lateness fee of KSh 10,000 since no African weddings are ever late – even when the bride’s aunts have refused with her at the gate! At this rate, why not have a ‘One-partner-is-not-yet-married’ fee!?

I am mad, just like my friends were mad. I am not mad because of policy to discriminate only when it is the churches turn to give, but mad because of the deception that is the very basis of the churches success. Why allow non-believers to be members of the church in the first place if you do not find them worthy of your services? Are you only a mentorship program and does your weekly contract end after I have paid my listening fee into the basket? Should I start demanding receipts?

Their excuse: 2 Corinthians 14: Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?

My response: What business did Jesus have with the Samaritan woman or the adulteress? Was he insane healing people before they believed? Had he lost his mind dying for everyone even before they first accepted Him? He went against the contract - where you receive from everyone first and then you choose who to give! He gave first, then waited to receive.

I would like to send the pastor, who asked my friends to break up because one of them was not saved, back to theology school. Go back demand a refund because you were taught nothing about life. If anyone lied to you that the making of successful marriages is in the saved-ness of the spouses, they are big liars. Otherwise, no Muslim or Hindu marriages would be successful. But many are. In fact Abraham and Sarah would have had a failed marriage for they were not saved. But they didn’t. If the couple you rejected are in love, who gives you the right to speak a separation into their lives! Have you forgotten Esther’s story? What if she was meant for a time just as this? What if God’s plan for her husband shall be executed through her? But I must forgive your naivety. It must emanate from the fact that despite having a marriage counselors’ role, you are not married yourself! I hope you are at least dating otherwise you must be kept away from the teens and youth lest you mislead them with such ignorance.

Allow me to inform this pastoral novice that one pastor senior to him had overturned his decision and was willing to proceed with the wedding. But no thank you. Another church had countered the offer at a fee of KSh 5000 inclusive of pre-marital counseling and no asterix about lateness! What a deal! Mavuno has for me represented all those things that I could never find in other churches. Well, at least those things that don’t much matter. The few things it seems not to care about matter the most in any church member’s books. Birth, marriage and death. Christenings, weddings and funerals. I am squirming, imagining my pastor asking me from my casket if I am born again, and if not, boycotting the prayers to send me to a nice place in purgatory. I will not rest in peace.

I have always believed that church is big business. Grow it even more, but keep your end of the bargain. Your clients are largely non-believers in need of the aforementioned services only three days of their entire lives. It is ungentlemanly to go back on your word. Care not to find yourself at the dock on judgement day charged with misrepresentation of God’s will, guilty misunderstanding of His word. Your members may not be as brave as I, but they will judge you accordingly on this bad business decision.. We don’t want the subscriptions falling. We want to keep the word going to those who need it. Plant where you intend to harvest, Mavuno.

For my dear couple, am glad your wedding date has not changed. The Bible says that a man shall leave his parents and be joined to his wife; not leave his parent, get born again then be joined to his wife. Do not worry, it is the same God who will bless your marriage through a less conceited pastor. What God will put together, let no man ever imagine they should put asunder. May you live happily ever after.

The Tin Man.

Santa Ocampo: The Gift That Never Was

2009-11-11T00:49:00.001-08:00

I have recovered from the shock of watching how inauspiciously Mr. Moreno Ocampo was received in the country recently. It has not been an easy time since he left and I find myself obliged to write an apology on behalf of all Kenyans who shared similar expectations as I did.

Mr. Ocampo, you are practically family. We have already started to call some of our children your names. This is what we do when we value one’s impact in our lives. We have known you ever since one Waki mentioned that he was going to give you a list of naughty people who he felt you would best discipline. These people had caused us irreparable harm as a country before, during and after the 2007 National Elections. So imagine our excitement when we heard that after failing to cook our own meal, you were on your way to light up the fire of justice and start off the roasting of these naughty boys and girls.

I must emphasize that to us, you truly are our hope of justice and salvation from the selfishness and irresponsibility of the animals in our animal farm. So I was appalled brother Ocampo, allow me to call you that, when I watched as our welcoming committee failed to follow the script and received you in the most embarrassing of ways. If anyone told you Hakuna Matata, they lied to you. That is what we used to tell tourists when they came to our country long before we turned cannibal. Then, we had no worries. Today, we are worried.

You are a household name in

Kenya

and even children are singing your praises. Given how well we have come to know each other, we had planned a home coming party for you. When we have such parties, we have a delegation at the airport that receives you. A nice girl presents you with a bouquet of flowers while you quench your thirst with mursik. This is a delicacy of traditionally soured milk. After the journalists take pictures of you dancing with our cultural groups, we line the streets of Nairobi from the Airport singing your praises and brandishing posters and placards in support of justice which we are confident is what you came for. We would have then gone to the City’s University where you would have made an inaugural speech to our academicians and to the nation.

Given this hero welcome tradition, I was disgusted to watch as you were sneaked out of the airport even as we waited for you at the VIP lounge. Our welcoming committee was afraid that we have become too bold and that we might say something unexpected and blow their cover. You see, brother Ocampo, the welcoming committee was comprised of some people who might have been in the list that you received from Mr. Annan. For them, you are not family, you are the handsome neighbour who if left too long in the house will impregnate the wife.

The country was holding its breath when you emerged at Windsor. We were hoping that you would confirm that indeed Christmas had come early and that you had a special plane that carries naughty people to Holland. But the welcoming committee had prevailed upon you. They had hoodwinked you and made you believe that we are the enemy and that we are not to be spoken to. When I watched you, the President and the Prime Minister smiling after your two hour meeting, I was not fooled. The kind of gift you brought would not have been pleasing to the eyes of those two. I knew we had been sold out.

So the welcoming committee filled out your itinerary with a visit to Nairobi National Park where I understand you adopted a cheetah. What they did not show you is the slum on the opposite side of the road. Kibera. That was deliberately left out of the schedule. Had you gone there, you would have received many a horrifying tales that would have forced you to unwrap your gift without further discussion. The soil there is still red from all the blood that was shed following the disputed elections. My brother, just before you came, many internally displaced people had been forced out of sight so that you may not see the kind of squalor in which they live, two years after their homes were burnt. Such a sight I suspect would have biased you against the welcoming committee and those two smiling men who assured you that they had already started working toward a home grown solution to our problem.

I nearly had a heart attack when I saw how quickly you were bundled out of the country before the stench of all the trash under our carpet caught your attention. While we prepared to speak to you and share our ideas on the number of strokes to unleash on the naughty people on your list, the welcoming committee had already decided that your welcome was overstayed. You left us disappointed children. We had hoped to open the present but someone made sure that you flew right back with it.

But I am confident that you are not a fool, brother Ocampo. You have worked with criminals like this before and you know their tactics. Do not return that gift. Keep it for us until we find a way that you can hand it to the country without the interference of such a welcoming committee. Make it before Christmas. That way we will focus on the new constitution when the New Year begins.

Please receive my sincerest apologies for the way that you were received. I assure you that we shall do better next time not to let monkeys guard the banana tree. We shall sing your songs and we shall present your milk and flowers. On your departure, we shall even give you a National flag as you are headed on a mission to represent the country at The Hague. We have kept our placards demanding justice away but our hearts are yearning no less for it. As we decide which street to name Ocampo and on which park to build a multimillion shilling monument, please prepare the sticks with which to spank those naughty people on your list. That is the blood that binds us together with you. That is why we regard you so highly.

We remain in touch.

The Tin Man.

Religious Capitalism: Why the Pope is on Short Notice

2009-11-11T00:33:00.000-08:00

In what to the Tin Man has sounded like the loudest double speak from the papacy in Rome, the Catholic Church has extended a conditional olive branch to the Anglican Clergy disenchanted by the churches position on marriage of priests. In his communication of Vatican’s decision, the pope has characteristically employed vague legalese hidden in Latin vocabulary to frog jump the Anglicans while being careful not to contradict its celibacy doctrine. Overly ambitious.

But I do not blame the Holy Father for making such a move. How can I? In the wake of dwindling membership not just in the Catholic Church but in Christianity as a whole, desperate times are calling for desperate measures. Like the fall of the Berlin wall which set in motion the systematic decline of socialism, a capitalistic trend in matters of personal faith is forcing the Catholic Church to amend many of its monopolistic practices. The religion market has become capitalist and competition is cut throat. In order to survive, Vatican must compromise.

The Catholic Church is the largest Christian church whose membership comprising a sixth of the world population. The church claims itself as the one and only true church of Christ with the pope as the highest earthly authority on matters of faith, morality and governance. The church has throughout history been a fundamental financial institution. It has been the largest landowner and had enormous income generating from tithes. Ever since the endorsement by Emperor Constantine in Italy in the 300s, the church has been tied to politics and many clergymen, in Italy and in England, have been from royal families.

Trouble begun in the 1500s when Martin Luther protested the sale of indulgences to generate church revenue. In his 95 theses, he questioned among other things why the Pope, despite his expansive wealth, wanted to build St. Peter’s Basilica with money from poor believers rather than his own. Till that time, forgiveness of sins was purchased by making a partial contribution to the church to accompany one’s repentance. Luther’s argument that forgiveness was a free gift from God obliterated one of the Churches main revenue sources. In addition, the young theologian challenged the Pope’s authority by asserting that the Bible was the only source of divine knowledge. That statement exposed the Holy Father’s fallibility and shattered the church's political foundation and weakened its role in governance of the people.

One of the churches tools of monopolizing the path to heaven was the use of Latin as the official language of worship. Luther translated the Bible into German and it was later translated into The King James Version and killed the clergy’s grip as God’s brokers of forgiveness and sainthood. The Vatican control over Biblical interpretations had thus been diluted. But the protestant reformation was not the last of the troubles for the Roman Catholic Church.

On their independence, the British established the Anglican Church and cut their political allegiance to the church in Rome. This presented a compromise between Catholicism and Protestantism. But the Church of England was to face breakaways of its own when the Americans broke away on their independence in 1776. Other nations gradually de-linked themselves either from the Catholic or Anglican Church in the de-Christianization of nations. An anti-clerical movement around the world was seeking to reduce religion to a purely private belief-system. In the new enlightenment of the masses, much of the Churches property was confiscated nationalized and some members of the clergy persecuted.

For the Catholic Church, Jose Maria Escriva presented yet another dilemma. The priest founded the Opus Dei translated from Latin to mean the work of God in 1928. Escriva espoused that saint hood can be achieved by any one through religious materialism. Opus Dei’s appeal to the cast majority of ordinary Catholics threatened the Catholic Church. After a quarter of a decade fighting the sect, the Vatican realized that with its growing wealth and membership, Opus Dei was better in than out. It was accepted it as a personal prelate of the pope in 1950.

Despite the Counter Reformation movement within the Catholic Church itself, it remains accused of being out of touch with reality and steeped in increasingly irrelevant dogma, doctrine and tradition. From divorce and contraception to misogyny in clerical appointments the church is still on the defense against popular logic and public opinion. To remain relevant in a fast changing world with a growing number of more accommodating religious groups, the Pope must lead its congregation to further compromise. Short of that, it must die a Darwinian death.

In inviting married clergy from the Anglican Church, Rome has made a prudent business decision to retain church numbers. But their insistence that this does not mean current Catholic priests can marry remains a hypocritical puzzle. It is complicated further by suggesting corporate consideration of Anglican Parishes for inclusion into the Catholic communion. The people are demanding a freer religious context with less involvement in personal morality. The church is bending their way. The church is creating a monster. The church is entertaining democracy and capitalism. Like Romeo and Juliet, the Church is drinking poison for its love for the congregation.

To stem an imminent breakaway, the Catholic Church has decided to tolerate clerical marriage. The Anglican Church has preceded Vatican with the ordination of women and gay bishops. In the fight for domination in the tithe, offerings and donations industry, will the Pope follow suit? Will the Church, like Russia, openly embrace the new age religion or will it, like China, only veil its capitalist moves behind its traditionalist matriarchic pretences?

I watch with bated breath the making of history.

The Tin Man.

Benz vs. Passat: A Political Lesson for Uhuru Kenyatta

2009-11-05T04:19:00.001-08:00

Interesting to listen to the professional opinions of such lay people as Otieno Kajwang' and Bonnie Khalwale on the suitability or otherwise, of the VW Passat to replace the Mercedes Benz as official carriage for government royalty. But it is just as baffling to listen to Uhuru Kenyatta trying to defend a purchase deal that has come under such fire recently. But this is only a day in the class of Kenyan Politics.

In between the cries of foul over the 5 billion shillings said to have been the value of this transaction, I cannot help but pity the Deputy Prime Minister and Minister for Finance for fighting a losing battle. When parliament resumes, he will be roasted over open fire with all the wrath of the near miss concerning 9 billion worth of a computer error. While I am not euphoric about the gentleman, I sympathise with him because he may be politically blind. Without reminding him of the sour deal that he nearly cut to retain an overpaid, underperforming head of anti-corruption – at the expense of a major water table, I would like to offer my pro bono advise to this political novice.

Mr. Kenyatta, if your father in his wisdom did not tell you, the first rule in politics is; ‘Politics is a game of interest.’ Do not forget that. Politics is a means of resource allocation or re-allocation not necessarily equitably. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I understand that you studied Political Science somewhere outside Kenya but the drugs you are rumoured to have taken may have impeded your retention of some lectures. You are the son of our founding father and given the weak defense you have received from your predecessor Amos Kimunya, I feel obliged to step in. The man lost his defense bid against parliament. He is unqualified to defend you.

Listen carefully to Otieno Kajwang and Bonnie Khalwale. That is rule number two; ‘You must keep your friends close but your enemies closer.’ Kajwang is a lawyer whose career is less than impeccable and the bull fighter is only a doctor. Just like you, they know very little about engine capacity and fuel efficiency of the Passat. I assure you they are not experts in Subarus, Audis, Toyotas or the many vehicles that suit your budget day description. I swear to you however, they know more about politics than you do. Khalwale brought Kimunya and Ringera down. He tried to wrestle Ruto from his Agricultural Ministry but this son of the Rift Valley was taught politics by Politician Number One, Mzee Moi. That is how, even without the support of his party leader Mr. Odinga, he escaped. That is also how he fooled you into supporting his Mau deal then deserted you at the alter, when your marriage mattered most to you. But I will let you in on another secret that he played by that helped him.

Rule number three; ‘Never eat alone.’ This man William truly knows how to share a maize cob with the relevant friends and more importantly enemies. Personal interest. That is how he silenced the parliamentary choir that was about to sing him a disapproving tune. Their mouths were swollen from all the maize they had been feasting on. Ruto had eaten with them. Listen to the lines that Khalwale and Kajwang are writing in their anti-Uhuru song and then carefully read between them.

These men are not representing the interest of their constituents. No. They are not concerned about reducing government spending. No. That is why, just like you, they will never accept tax on their salaries. I am doubtful also that they do not dislike the VW brand. No. They would care less about these matters. What these men decry is your selfishness, Mr. Kenyatta. Ask Githongo to explain this; this is their turn to eat and you are clearly pulling the plate from right under their mouths. When they ask why you did not give each ministry the freedom to buy their own vehicles, they are only bringing to your attention that the 5 billion shilling cake would have been shared between more people than just yourself. Each minister, given the opportunity of making part of the deal, would have reserved some crumbs to take back home. They do have mortgages, school fees and some luxuries that cost them money. And these two in question never had rich fathers who were head of state. I beg you that you understand their predicament.

When they chop you to pieces on the floor of the house, Mr. Kenyatta, it will not be in revenge to the rot that your father is said to have started in this country. And do not be fooled, they do not hate you. They will only be seeking to teach you some brotherly love; to share the spoils of war with your generals as well as some enemies. That is self preservation. Before they succeed in taking away the head start that you have against your Central Kenya friends to the presidency, please do one thing that will muzzle them and numb their motions in parliament.

Mr. Kenyatta, return all the Mercedes Benzes to the relevant ministries. Not to be used; Of course not! We are all pretending to be saving tax payers money and am in on the lie. But allow then to dispose them through their own means. That is devolution. That way, they will become your co-conspirators and will have lost the moral high ground to point fingers at you on the floor or in the media. Remember your name, Uhuru, means freedom. Give them that freedom. I assure you that you shall avoid an ugly outcome when the august house resumes.

You have Ocampo to worry about. This is an unwelcome distraction. You escaped the computer errors narrowly. Do not risk another showdown by pretending a defense of what public opinion has already tried ruled against you. Include your accusers in the dock of political defense. Eat with them Mr. Kenyatta, before they eat you alive.

The Tin Man.

A Lesson for Religious Bigots

2009-11-03T00:46:00.000-08:00

The roof top choir has once again begun its chorus of condemnation against a proposed draft constitution that would retain the existence of Kadhi’s Courts in Kenya. The hymn being sung is quite a tired tune and I'm afraid that while the pastors, bishops and priests are getting sore throats, the Christian fraternity may itself be snoring, oblivious of the clergy’s wolf cries.

Granted that not all Christian leaders are opposed to the inclusion of the Islamic courts in the constitution, those opposed to it present one of their strongest arguments: It will give preferential treatment to one religion. They hold that, such a move would be according Muslims special treatment forgetting the fact that the law will only apply to marriage, divorce and inheritance laws as preferred by our Muslim brothers and sisters.

The Tin Man is convinced that the Christian leaders are out of tune with this song and are only trying to hide a deep seated bigotry against the Muslims. It has become my strong suspicion that the leaders faking a foul are only struggling to receive the backing of law to keep their Sunday crowds from dwindling and hence their pockets from shrinking. Given the fact that the courts have existed in our constitution since independence and have been operated without the slightest conflict amongst the public, it is difficult to share the nightmare that the clergy seem to be having.

I am brought to remind these Christian leaders that before they incite the majority against a minority, they must remember the Rwanda Genocide. Without the role that religious superiority or such sectorial consciousness played, the Intarahamwe may never have succeeded in turning against their Hutu. Without religious hatred, Irish Protestants and Catholics would not burn each others churches and homes. Without this misplaced “Holier than thou” attitude, the Al Qaeda would have no foothold.

I feel it my duty to further put it to the Christians, that if at all the constitution has given any religious group special treatment, it is they who got the longer end of the stick. Christianity was a shadowy and little known religion of people considered fanatics until Constantine made it the religion of Italy scrapping its own polytheistic beliefs. It is through violent crusading and the scorching of heretics that the religion spread to the vast Roman empire. That is how Britain came to be Christian. Kenya became Christians because when we accepted the gun totting, Bible reading explorers we did not know that our hospitality was to them an invitation to enslave us. That is why your Christian names can be termed by some slave names.

The Kenya Constitution is based greatly on the Commonwealth customary law, garnished here and there with some African tradition customs. The Kenya Constitution is therefore Christian, adopted from our former colonial masters. This is the reason why with some wisdom we deemed it fit to include our minority brethren who through their faith choose not to believe in the same things as the majority. It is their right. Just like you would desire some rights to be granted to the minority Christians in South Korea and China.

Religion was made by man to create a moral reference point for the good of the society. It is embarrassing to see you turning it into fodder for hatred amongst our citizens. As leaders of the faith, allow the rest of us the freedom to create our own tunes and bob our heads in enjoyment. Stop the wailing in out ears to try and turn friends into foes. We have enough problems as it is and to be making war cries in anticipation of the leaf of Kadhi’s courts remaining uncut, that is the height of hypocrisy and bigotry. Jesus asked he who hath no sin, to cast the first stone. The woman from whom he cast many demons later became a close companion of His. Before you proceed your finger pointing and religious chauvinism, ask yourself, what would Jesus do?

The Tin Man

Hating Your Career To Success

2009-10-29T01:38:00.001-07:00

Have you ever heard that for you to succeed you must do what you love and love what you do? That is utter bull poopie! Well, at least according to Andre Agassi’s autobiography titled ‘Open’. In this book, excerpts of which have been featured in Sports Illustrated the tennis icon reveals he hated tennis! Quite oxymoronically!

Amid confessions that he used crystal methamphetamine recreationally, the eight grand slam winner reveals that he hated the game that he made so many people love. In his auto published this week, Agassi says, "I play tennis for a living even though I hate tennis; I hate it with a dark and secret passion and always have." Here is where am not thrown off balance, am hurled downward from whatever see saw I was on. My previous beliefs about loving my career come into question if they are not entirely shattered. While many online discussions carry on about what to do about the crystal meth sniffing confessions, I retreat to my inner self and consider my newly discovered strategy to hate my career till I find success.

Why would a great sportsman hate his career? He has earned over $30 million in prize money and over $25million a year in endorsements in his career. With all the glitz and glamour that accompanies the bank account, how would you really hate your job!? Former British tennis professional Barry Cowan says, “It becomes more than a job, it takes over your life. …I know this for myself – it's something you've done since you were six years old, and there's a sense that if you stop giving 100% you are doomed to failure, and that is unacceptable. No wonder so many players hate their sport – the surprise is that so few admit it."

Once they have begun, usually from a tender age, the desire to win becomes an addiction itself. One needs to be mentally strong to handle the pressure that comes from themselves and from their fans ant relatives to survive. Fear of failure and personal insecurities soon also manifest and reduce the stars into personalities that feel misunderstood. Fellow sibling stars Serena and Venus have also been said to have undergone pressure and probably abuse from their father and coach to succeed. Outside of sport, Michael Jackson has been known to have deteriorated into a drug dependent and insecure person after a lifetime of success. Even at his death, he remained estranged to his father and former talent coach.

Granted that Andre may have hated his job, he says he hated it with a passion. That remains the constant. One must be passionate about what they do to succeed. Whether that passion is steeped in love or in hate seems not to be relevant. Yet again, we may all define success in quite a variety of ways.

The Tin Man.

Burning the Weed – A word for Maina Njenga

2009-10-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

Maina Njenga has been “saved”, but unfortunately, the country he helped rot has not. Not by a long shot. I had my reservations about the genuineness of his conversion to Christianity when I first heard about it. I suspected it was probably a publicity stunt designed to launch his political career or at least boost that of the Bishop who interceded for him. Listening to him testifying on Jeff’s bench, I begun to afford him the benefit of doubt.

Maina came across as legitimately transformed. He controlled the interview and it seemed like one of the easiest for the host. Mr. Koinange barely spoke. I guess there was so much to listen to from a man who has been in incarceration for the past approximate of five years. Maina is no longer a member of Mungiki and in his words, the decision “Has no appeal.” He has great ideologies about how to change the sect into a fresh new movement just as he has been born again.

But Maina appeared to be over confident in his ability to change the path or the pace of Mungiki. Even with his new armour of faith, I am taken to believe that it may not be as easy a task as he probably imagines. I felt I needed to share with the resigned leader of Mungiki about a concept of physics called inertia. Inertia, Mr. Njenga, is the ability for an object in motion to keep moving, or one that is at rest to resist movement. It is an aversion to change based on one of the laws of motion. Mungiki is a movement. Stopping it may not be as sudden or simple as you have taken it to be.

Allow me to remind you about the salvation of one Mr. Waruinge. You may remember him as the leader of your movement before you. He became a pastor and Mungiki definitely did not die. You are not even yet in pastoral garb so I suspect that if you rely on a similar strategy of expecting the masses in your organization to follow their newly released leader into Christianity, you may be burning the candle from the wrong end.

I would like to remind you that Mungiki has its owners. You mentioned an earlier belief that the Bible had been to you only an instrument for the entertainment of Europeans. Mungiki is quite like that. It is what the “athomi” use to entertain their financial and power needs through the “ahoi”. I learnt these terms from Mr. Mutahi Ngunyi. While you were away Mr. Maina, your children seemed to have acquired new fathers. The owners of Mungiki have continued to bank roll their activities and may have gotten themselves in one venerated Waki list. At a time when the 2012 election is drawing nearer and becoming more unpredictable, the “athomi” may not be willing to allow your flimsy attempts to disarm their mercenaries. Otherwise, how else shall they be re elected?

Mungiki will not die because you got saved. Martin Luther and Karl Max were assassinated and that did not end the movement for the emancipation of the blacks in the US. Killing Dedan Kimathi did not stop Kenya’s train toward the station of freedom. To avoid a futile campaign to preach to the Mungiki, I would like to suggest a more lasting solution. Mr. Maina, I believe that your position of influence has allowed you to be acquainted with the financiers of Mungiki’s activities. You probably know their names, banks and accounts. I am convinced that a certain Mr. Ocampo who is to visit our country early next month may be the best person to speak to. He may have great interest to know that you have recently been transformed and that you are willing to stop this menace that you were once such an integral part of.

Mr. Maina, your homecoming was quite romantic. Trip to church and sudden surge of the crowd et al. But this is not a fairy tale. Your new mission is farthest from romance. It is like planting seed on rock, thorn, or pathway where Jesus contends that it will not grow. You are a farmer and may appreciate how getting rid of “thangari” is quite difficult. The grass barely grows above ground but beneath it forms a complex and deep network of roots. Burning the ground does not kill the weed. One must dig up the earth, turn it over, break the roots free then and only then can the burning be used to destroy the adamant grass. It is the only way to deal with Mungiki. Turn over the roots. Put the names of those bank rollers in an envelope to be presented to that man Ocampo when he arrives. Let’s call it the Njenga Envelope. Expose them to the sun and let them scorch. Allow them to burn in the heat of their own guilt.

I want to believe you when you say you are not a trouble maker. You are a peace maker. It took five years to get you transformed after 20 years in the sect. Please accord the people in the Njenga List the same opportunity. This man Ocampo has a way to fit elephants in cells. He will take it over from you. How will burn the “thangari” roots that you have helped to turn over. The earth will now be ready for planting. Then you can start your preaching. You can plant your seed on fertile ground.

The Tin Man.

Divine Delusion - A Bishop’s Tour of Heaven

2009-10-27T01:38:00.000-07:00

Once again, Jeff Koinange has given me a reason to watch K24. It usually takes a bit of prodding. Many times, I come out more knowledgeable about great Kenyan personalities and usually with a refined opinion of them. Yesterday, 25^th October 2009, it was Pastor cum Politician, Margaret Wanjiru on the Capital Talk hot bench. As expected, I did come out with further knowledge about her but this time, the rose carried quite a crown of thorns. I have reason to believe that she may be delusional.

Anybody who hears Margaret’s story of how she rose, as a single mother, from being a toilet cleaner, rising through various marketing and managerial assignments, to becoming a successful business woman cannot help but stand in awe of her. All this she did while educating herself and taking care of her children. She is an icon not only of woman empowerment but living testimony of equal opportunity success. The reward for hard work, persistence and determination. But it is her spiritual journey, or bits of it that have me questioning the self-titled Bishop’s clarity of mind.

Having been saved from a life of what she calls “Satanism and witchcraft” Wanjiru was called into ministry. She was a street preacher shouting for attention on Aga Khan Walk like the many I have seen time and again and wondered if the activity does not border noise pollution or public nuisance in the least. But hers was no ordinary star. Her big break came when her pastor was to leave the country and in her time of devastation and desolation that Jesus appeared to her to clarify her future in quite some details. A fabulous story about opportunity hidden in crisis. The one conceived by the Holy Spirit was to be the mid-wife of her Jesus her Jesus Is Alive Ministry.

My conviction about her delusion however is about the details of her burning bush moment. I felt like I was watching a documentary about Schizophrenic Anonymous or a graphic episode of Supernatural, as I listened to her talking about her visitations from The Risen One. Yes. She saw Jesus. And He did not do it only one time, He appeared to her the whole of two times! On His first visit, the Son of God appears to the pastor and, smiling, waves the penalty of seeing God face to face which is sometimes death. He then proceeds to write on the wall, quite similarly to a certain tale in the book of Daniel. He prescribes the name of her ministry and even draws the cross in its logo that magically, no, miraculously, turns into gold!

A while later, the Nazarene reappears in the Bishop’s living room, conveniently when the children had gone to school and takes her to heaven for the whole of nine hours! It would be just enough to be back before the children return from school and find their mother missing. Jeff asks in between her narration what heaven is like. The Bishop says quite excitedly that it is wonderful! “You would not like to return if you went there,” she adds. But she adds that the story is quite long and that she will only afford us a summary. I agree that we may not have nine hours to receive the minute by minute playback but it still leaves me more questions than answers.

Many people in history have claimed, amidst doubt, to have seen God, Mary or Jesus. In fact, Mary herself saw Gabriel before her immaculate conception. Even Muhammad saw angel Gabriel during the revelation of the Holy Quran. Apostle John, in the book of Revelation provides the most detailed account of visionary communication by God in History. The truthfulness of their accounts, like many others, remains subjective and entirely dependent on the school of thought in which one is enrolled and/or their endowment of faith.

While it may only be my jealousy that Jesus did not extend His courtesy to my sinful self, I had great difficulty believing as Margaret went on to describe how in a later meeting, the son of God came to take her on a tour of The Good Place. Jesus came at a moment when she was lucid enough to tell the time – 9am in the morning I think she said! He went ahead to take her on a tour of the streets of the Father’s City in the Skies!

At this opportune and privileged moment where the rest of humanity would probably have been too awe struck to notice the details, Wanjiru kept an account of finer points like Jesus sitting her on a rock and teaching her from the Bible. It made me wonder if the All Knowing did not have his verses memorized. And as the source of the inspiration to write the book of Nehemiah and Luke, I wondered why he had to refer to the human accounts as opposed to dishing out some fresh prophesy or clarification that the rest of us left on earth could not acquire by ourselves during Bible study.

Margaret proceeded to report that Jesus went ahead to show her an A5 size journal of her life whose content, she protested, was yet to be inserted. She is instructed that her role will be to fill in the details. Again, I wonder out loud: If He gave us the knowledge to create tapes, CDs and DVDs, flash disks; couldn’t it be easier - or at least more interesting - to keep record of Margaret Wanjiru’s life on such a technologically superior platform? But maybe am now stretching.

Again, I may be jealous of such a person’s unique encounter with higher deity as to ridicule the account. On the other hand, I may only be one of wanting faith. Very unlike a child. But I am not the first. Thomas did it only a couple of days after the resurrection. The Doubting One had to touch the scars to believe. Many who have heard, or will hear this account, even if they may be unable to demand proof like Thomas, will wonder. So I beg the Bishop to indulge the Thomasian disbelief of a mere mortal like me, on behalf of such as I, and help us toward the path of faith. As the Good Book says, one blind man cannot lead another.

Dear Pastor Margaret,

If your trip was not a nine hour hallucination, please provide me the following details about your trip to the City in the Skies that you may not have been afforded the time to share during the really short interview by Jeff:

Does Jesus still wear a white kanga type cloth and leather sandals like we see in the movies?
On earth He was a Jew, but is He really white or has He no race?
Did you really not see anyone else for all the nine hours you visited heaven? Were Moses, Elijah, David, Enoch, St. Paul and all the rest still sleeping?
Were you not introduced even to a close family member like the Holy Mother or the Carpenter Patriarch?
What was the mode of transport used to go to heaven? Rocket or just, well, “POOF”!
Your trip lasted 9 hours. You say you counted. Is there time in heaven or is heaven timeless?
During the day long duration, did Jesus listen to or answer the prayers of the rest of the faithful who may have been praying at the very time or was His schedule marked off only for you?
Did Jesus appear to you to advise on the delicately controversial issue of your near marriage to the South African? If so, what was His opinion?
Do you think Jesus, using your connections, could also take the Mungiki on a similar tour, maybe even shorter – maybe an hour?
Did you see your mansion under construction or was it already finished?
The Bible that Jesus read with you, was it zipped and leather bound? Were the verses He read in Nehemiah highlighted?
Except what I can read for myself in Nehemiah, was there any word to the sons of Adam that the Son of God gave in encouragement, chastisement or prophesy that you can share?

I suspect that my frankness here may come across as rude, insensitive or ignorant. That is not the intention. If it does, please bear with me like Jesus bore the ridicule of the Pharisees. Do not be offended. Your mission, given to you personally by the Son of Man is to convert all of Africa to Christ. I am African. Some of these clarifications may help me on my path to Damascus.

I await your response.

Yours truly,

The Tin Man.

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2009-10-17T03:32:00.000-07:00