Thursday, April 22, 2010

Arap Some-more-ei: My Congratulations to Mr. Ruto

Dear Mr. Ruto,

On behalf of free thinkers in the Kenyan society, I would like to congratulate you on your recent promotion to Minister of Higher Education. I believe that such an ascension was a long time coming and am glad your bosses have finally realised your worth. I know there have been misinterpretations in the media that your transfer to the Ministry of Higher Education was a “demotion”. That is complete ignorance from the fourth estate. I mean, do they not see that economies move from an agricultural era into an information and education era? Is it not obvious even from the names of the ministries which is superior? You moved from a plain Ministry of Agriculture to the Ministry of Higher Education. Even an idiot knows that higher is a superlative form of the word high. But that is beside the point. What matters is that you now have the confidence of the coalition partners who have decided that you can serve this great nation in a greater capacity. I will give you four reasons why I think so.

First, Mr. Ruto, you are a miracle worker. When you took over the Ministry of Agriculture in 2008, our Nation had been experiencing great drought. It is within your tenure that we were able to get rainfall to a point that we are now drowning in floods. You have proved that trees have nothing to do with rain as Mau Forest has not experienced any flooding. It is Turkana, Nyando and Coast which do not have much forest cover that have been carpeted by water. You have proved that the factory built within Mau forest does not have to be demolished. Now this country requires another miracle. Son of Samoei, I hear rumours that Kenyans can longer go to a certain country called Dubai unless they have university degrees. Diplomatically outrageous! Less than 5 percent of Kenyans have degrees. Worse, half of those who do are either unemployed or underemployed. Take this opportunity to save our nation. By Ministerial decree, grant every Kenyan who got more than a D+ in KCSE an honorary degree and beat these Arabs at their own game!

Secondly sir, millions of Kenyans have been hoodwinked to believe that they need a certain document called the constitution. They have been made to believe that that is a good document and they are preparing to approve it in a referendum later this year. They do not know that by so doing, they will deny politicians like you the previlege to own whatever amount of land you choose and acquired by whatever means at the detriment of ordinary mwananchi. What folly! These Kenyans need to be educated! That is why you are here, sir. Start a nationwide Gumbaro University whose first course will be Katiba 101.In fact, encourage Kenyans to enrol and to go to the exam during the referendum where the only way to pass is to vote no. They will then receive honorary degrees to allow them entry into Dubai.

Thirdly, I think everyone seems to hate you and is out to get you. I do not believe you are paranoid because I have evidence. I know you wrote a letter requesting KCPB to sell some free maize to a disabled person. When did that become a sin? Isn’t a company owned by a disabled person also disabled and therefore deserving of special treatment? The media, in cahoots with certain fame seeking politicians wanted to tarnish your good name by claiming you were a thief. How dare they when all you did was write? It doesn’t take a genius to know that writing is no crime. But I hear that you are in the process of establishing a TV station and are already recruiting. Good move. Now you can control the information going out there about you. You can edit the material pre-press. But at the same time, I think Jogoo House will be a warmer political environment. Just some floors away is the office of one Sam, also called Ongeri. He was smeared with mud from the same swamp as you. Now you can bond and comfort each other in these tumultuous times of political betrayal.

Lastly sir, I must bring to your attention the fact that the President and the prime Minister must really like you. They do. In fact, they love you. They are aware that you shall be sitting an exam somewhere in a far away land whose name is Vague. ...no, sorry, Hague. I mix these spellings sometimes. The principals in the Grand Coalition understand that your current education may not be adequate to convince one examiner called Ocampo. They have sponsored you to go for further studies. They have given you not only the highest office in education, but in higher education! With such an exam coming, they know that running 33 agricultural parastatals will lead to failure. They have reduced your work load to 3 higher education parastatals. Brilliant! Just like a study leave. I implore you sir, study a certain subject called Law. In fact, major in Human Rights and International Law. That way, no learned friend - if they are friends at all or even learned – will confuse you with legalese. Study hard because that exam at the vague exam centre - sorry, Hague - is not an easy one. It is a matter of life and death and am not speaking figuratively.

Mr. William, if your name in mother tongue does not mean warrior, then maybe it should. You are one. The fact that you create a document and then change your mind and decide not to support it should not be used against you. A wise man changes his mind. Even without good reason. Your name “arap Samoei” rhymes with “perhaps-some-more-ay?” It is a poetic fulfilment of the greatness already with you and the greatness yet to come. I am glad one man whose name means tractor has finally noticed. Execute your new role with zeal but do not forget our four points of discussion. All the best in 2012.


Yours candidly,

The Tin Man
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