CSI Nairobi: Blasting back into some sense

The Tin Man is coming out of self imposed retirement for patriotic duty. I have been unearthed from synthetic obscurity by blasts in the dark of night at a prayer meeting in Nairobi's Uhuru Park. While I will not claim any emoluments, this shall be official duty, coming to the aid of one Mr. Iteere who I am certain is at odds and ends as to how exactly to handle the embarrassing lapse of security at a very public event. He has called on the military to come and do his job. Shame on him! Most of all, I am coming to the aid of all those deficient in common sense and likely to be swayed by the idiocy of Nay sayers desperate for at least some attention from the electorate.

Arap Some-more-ei: My Congratulations to Mr. Ruto

Dear Mr. Ruto,

On behalf of free thinkers in the Kenyan society, I would like to congratulate you on your recent promotion to Minister of Higher Education. I believe that such an ascension was a long time coming and am glad your bosses have finally realised your worth. I know there have been misinterpretations in the media that your transfer to the Ministry of Higher Education was a “demotion”. That is complete ignorance from the fourth estate. I mean, do they not see that economies move from an agricultural era into an information and education era? Is it not obvious even from the names of the ministries which is superior? You moved from a plain Ministry of Agriculture to the Ministry of Higher Education. Even an idiot knows that higher is a superlative form of the word high. But that is beside the point. What matters is that you now have the confidence of the coalition partners who have decided that you can serve this great nation in a greater capacity. I will give you four reasons why I think so.

Politically Retarded : Why Kalonzo is a 25 year old adolescent

This weekend has seen an interesting mutation to the political discussion surrounding the draft constitution. The Rift Valley King Pin, or maybe just Pin, found himself lonely when his other two K’s seemed to desert him and to back the draft. Worse, his darling from the coast determined that for his political survival, voting against the draft would be disastrous! So one man called Najib was at pains to explain to no one in particular why his backing of the draft did not in any way bear on his romance with Ruto. But Ruto is not at a complete loss. Kalonzo remains a schizophrenic coward who at least for half the time will be on his side. At a time when the son of Tseikuru was celebrating a quarter of a century as a member of parliament, he seems to still be an adolescent when it comes to matters politico.

Aborted Celebration: Why The Tin Man lost a Friend

The Tin Man had been on a break. A hiatus, it is called - at least if your name is Tiger Woods and your not-black-wife has demanded that you quit your career as the best paid sportsperson in the world! At least he is coming back next month. But the point is, I am back. However, I return with less than exciting news. I lost a friend this past week. No, he did not die, but he may as well have. You see, he made a decision never to speak to me again. In his words, I am as good as dead. Well, I am The Tin Man, and if I have any feelings in me, they must be hidden within my shortest eyelash. But even so, I am not averse to noticing when a situation goes unnecessarily out of hand. I fear that in my venture to speak my mind, I may have come across as derogatory.

Gay is just another word for Merry!

For a very long time I have been a self proclaimed homophobe. In fact, the topic is far concluded and does not come up for discussion. Not until recently. Kenyans have been fighting the prospect of gay and lesbian persons being granted the right to openly relate, marry and enjoy such rights as are conferred a heterosexual couple. In fact, Kenyans demonstrated just how much they detest homosexuality when they nearly lynched a gay couple suspected to be planning secret nuptials in the coastal town of Mombasa. It was a retaliation. Only months before that, a couple in the United Kingdom had caused so much embarrassment to the Kenyan community by wedding openly. I joined the bandwagon. I was hateful, even vengeful. But that was before I read an article by one Makau Mutua who is a Professor of Human rights. Mutua introduced me to a new term - Private Morality. Being the Tin Man, I opened my mind to the concept and I have since tried to understand what the furore is concerning gay relations. My research turned up shocking revelations. The African defense, and mine as well, has been that homosexuality is foreign, undesirable and un-African. That was about to be changed. I discovered that it is neither foreign, un-African nor was it undesirable until gun-totting religious preachers set foot in Africa.

Saving Salvation: My Private Letter to God

Dear God,

I am sure you are very busy dealing with Haiti and protecting Israel from evil Palestinians. But I would like to bring to your attention matters that have recently become an emergency in my country. I live in Kenya which is in East Afri... what am I saying, you made it so you must know where you placed it. We have had a great past with the gospel in this country but the past few weeks have become hell-on earth. Pardon my language. First, I hear that someone started a church and called it Helicopter of Christ. Blasphemy! We all know that Christ ascended to heaven. The good book says so. One of your servants must not have read that and is now linking divine ascension to a man made contraption called a helicopter. But I hear you are performing great miracles in the church so I presume you are not mad about that.

Esther A-wrong-gal : Why my fantasies are Hell-on earth

I am today a heart broken man. After a long time harboring decent or otherwise fantasies about a certain news anchor, I have received allegations that have made my heart sink. The Candid Tin Man is in pain. Men all over the world will concur that it is never easy to find brain and brawn in the same butchery. It is always the best brawn, or the best brain... but sadly never both. Seeing a woman on TV who for whatever the reasons seems brilliant despite being beautiful is a novelty. Men are allowed to fantasize about women on TV, even married men, so long as they have little chance of ever meeting them. That is why they do not complain when their women scream at David Beckham or Enrique Inglesias. The fantasies may beneficial in other fora that I will not discuss today.

Who’s Smarter Now? – Why Raila is Laughing at Kibaki

There is never a dull day in Kenyan politics. Just when I had imagined that the nation would be taking a break to concentrate on love, Raila Odinga in his capacity as Prime Minister granted Kenyans a Valentine’s present. He suspended two ministers mentioned adversely in corruption reports. That was high drama and a great climax. The movie ought to have ended. But President Mwai Kibaki was not done with his script. He granted the two ministers a timely gift by revoking the Prime Minister’s action. A twist in the twist and I am sure the movie is far from over. Kenyan’s were reminded of the intrigue following Raila’s action to evict settlers from Mau forest. It had been alleged that the President had set up the Prime Minister for what would be his political death and burial. Raila still stands. So did the President take a second shot at the target? Was Raila once again set up for the end of his political career?

Honorable Dishonor: Why the Prime Minister is eating his Words

Raila Odinga yesterday stumbled on his words in a lame attempt to justify his reluctance to act on corrupt officers in his office. In what came across as blatant double standard and armature cover up, the Prime Minister was unable to make a commitment as to when he expected Dr. Isahakia and Mr. Omondi, implicated by PWC in the Maize Scandal Report, will go home. The comedy in a media conference reminded me of the adage, a frog protects its mud. At a time when Raila has been enjoying national support and confidence, this will not only be a test of political tact but of integrity and honor. Judging from his actions yesterday, the Right Honorable is behaving dishonorably.

Al Fools-all - Conception of a Religious War

Nairobi City was today turned into a war zone with running battles that lasted six hours! Bullets, teargas and mobs are however nothing new in Kenya. What made the 15th of January 2010 unique was the fact that the said chaos was utterly useless and perpetrated by a mob of fools with no justifiable cause for which to fight. I am having trouble keeping a clear stand on Muslims and their rights in this Christian Nation. I am impeded in my support for human rights due to my distaste for one un-domiciled prisoner of the state. I am further suspecting sadistic tendencies on my part because despite my open preference for peace and tranquility I secretly enjoyed the beating that the Kenya Police gave these marauding Friday worshipers. My reasoning is simple.

Begging for Blood: Why the Mau Tycoons should be roasted before compensated!

Somebody call back the execution committee! I am crying wolf! Call me back Ababu Namwamba and Bonnie Khalwale, our national prosecutors, and tell them we have an urgent job. We need to try and execute some idiots who have also taken us for fools. These imbeciles have decided that having stolen land in a water tower and sold the trees they found there, they would now want to be paid for their effort! Wolf! When the mathematics becomes a whooping two billion Kenya Shillings to be paid to these thugs, I become more than angry. I am infuriated! I am not in a position now, and never will be, to accept any situation where individuals, who through their high office allocated themselves provinces within the Mau Forest, will now be compensated with my money! I am begging for blood.

Santa Ocampo: The Gift That Never Was

I have recovered from the shock of watching how inauspiciously Mr. Moreno Ocampo was received in the country recently. It has not been an easy time since he left and I find myself obliged to write an apology on behalf of all Kenyans who shared similar expectations as I did.

Benz vs. Passat: A Political Lesson for Uhuru Kenyatta

Interesting to listen to the professional opinions of such lay people as Otieno Kajwang' and Bonnie Khalwale on the suitability or otherwise, of the VW Passat to replace the Mercedes Benz as official carriage for government royalty. But it is just as baffling to listen to Uhuru Kenyatta trying to defend a purchase deal that has come under such fire recently. But this is only a day in the class of Kenyan Politics.

A Lesson for Religious Bigots

The roof top choir has once again begun its chorus of condemnation against a proposed draft constitution that would retain the existence of Kadhi’s Courts in Kenya. The hymn being sung is quite a tired tune and I'm afraid that while the pastors, bishops and priests are getting sore throats, the Christian fraternity may itself be snoring, oblivious of the clergy’s wolf cries.

Burning the Weed – A word for Maina Njenga

Maina Njenga has been “saved”, but unfortunately, the country he helped rot has not. Not by a long shot. I had my reservations about the genuineness of his conversion to Christianity when I first heard about it. I suspected it was probably a publicity stunt designed to launch his political career or at least boost that of the Bishop who interceded for him. Listening to him testifying on Jeff’s bench, I begun to afford him the benefit of doubt.